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Online jivvy

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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Online jivvy

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She wanted to serve the guests steak and mushrooms at the dinner party, only the boy had had the shrooms for breakfast and forgot to tell her and it was half day closing.
Hubby suggested "Why not pick those ones growing wild down by the stream?”
"Hang on” she said "They might be poisonous”
"Nah” says hubby "I’ve seen squirrels eating them and they’re ok”
So she went and picked a bunch. Washed, sliced and sautéed them for dinner. However, with time running short, as a final check, she gave Rex the dog, a double helping. Rex gobbled it up and sauntered off to the back yard.
Everyone sat down to a great dinner, which was a resounding success.
After everyone had supped their fill, the hosts daughter came in and whispered in her ear "Mum, Rex is dead!”
Trying not to panic, she dragged hubby into the kitchen and told him.
"Quick, phone the docs” the Doc told them to not let anyone panic. He’d call the emergency services and, with some luck, everyone should be fine. We’ll give them all enemas, pump stomachs and we’ll be golden.
Before long they start to hear the sirens as the ambulances tore towards them. The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes and pumps working in no time. One by one they took all the adults through to the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped stomachs. Well after midnight the Doc approached them saying
"That was the last one, everything should be fine now”
and with that he and the paramedics left.
The hosts and guests, all weak and knackered were sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said
"Can you believe that guy?”
"What guy?” Says Mum
"The bugger that ran over Rex. He never even slowed down!”
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Online jivvy

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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course..
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign,
It says, 'Private property - Stay Out..'"
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over there.
May I have it, please.."
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now.."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand.."
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.
The man says, "What did you do that for.."
The golfer replies..
"I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls...!"
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Online jivvy

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
 Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Online jivvy

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Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for
the very first time.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum
hot pink panties beefo ' I gets on dat plane.'
Why you gonna wear dem fo ?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield , dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a- gonna wear me some floe resant
orange panties.'
Why you gonna wear dem ?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin ' down and I be
floating butt-up in the oshun , dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.
What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, ' Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't
wearing no panties cos , honey, dey always look for da Black Box first'
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Online jivvy

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
____________________
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
And that's how the fight started.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Online jivvy

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An old lady was in court for stealing a small can of pineapple, with her husband of 50 years right beside her.
The Judge in his wisdom said to the prosecutor how many pieces were in the can, he answered 6, the judge said one month of jail for each piece. 6 months of incarceration.
With that he husband stood up and said to the Judge
She stole a can of peas too 😂
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Online jivvy

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A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland .
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a  long  s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "We had him circumcised!"
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Online jivvy

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ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Online jivvy

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My wife and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Online jivvy

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You know when you starting to know.. You been in Thailand to many times
This is Funny.  5555
You know you've been in Thailand too long when;
You think it’s normal to have a beer at 9:00 a.m
You begin to enjoy Thai TV programs
You look four ways before crossing a one way street
You realize that ALL your problems are caused by Thai girls or cranky ATM's
You put salt and chilli on your fruit
A Thai cop stops you for a minor infraction and you automatically reach for your wallet
You think that a Honda Civic is a prestigious car
You can’t remember the last time you wore a suit and tie
You think a polo shirt and jeans are formal attire
You aren’t upset when the bar girl next to you eats beetles as a snack
Later the same night, you actually kiss the bar girl who earlier dined on the beetles
You think white wine goes well with Som Tam
You understand when your Thai wife says, ‘My friend you’ or ‘Same, same, but different’
A Thai bar girl you’ve just met tells you that her mother is deathly ill and you just laugh and walk away
You believe that Phuket being named the crime capital of Asia is quirky!!
You realize that your Thai wife’s loyalties belong to;
1. Her parents
2. Her brats from a previous marriage to a Thai scoundrel who deserted her
3. Any remaining blood relatives
4. The family buffalo
5. The family’s goldfish
6. You
You consider you mobile phone a fashion accessory
You start driving cars with bare feet
You become an expert on buying and selling gold jewelry
Dogs become animals you'd rather kick than pet
When driving a car you'll start using every free inch of the road
You flash your 4 indicator lights when driving straight on at an intersection
It’s two days before payday, so you only go to bars with balloons strung outside
You realize that all the important words in Thai begin with the letter ‘S’. Sanuk (Fun)
You believe that buying a gold chain is an acceptable courtship ritual, or at least a form of foreplay
You stand in the shadow of a telephone pole while waiting for a bus
You can't remember the last time you had a dry fart
You think putting ice in red wine is normal
You phone home and talk like a retard
You don't care or know what day of the week it is
You begin to think you actually are a 'Hansum Man'
You automatically without thinking swear in Thai
Lao Khao just doesn’t do it for you any more, neither does Viagra
You don’t have a problem kissing a ladyboy on the cheek
You sit in a bar in Bangkok surrounded by naked girls and porn on the big screenand you just want to watch the golf on the small screen in the corner
You avoid walking under fruit laden coconut palms
Your hotel lets you in accompanied by 2 or 3 girls
You know where to buy booze on officially shut holidays
You accept 5 on a motorbike when shopping is normal
You accept builders clambering up bamboo scaffolding with no boots or helmets
Pedestrian crossings mean nothing
Nothing surprises you and things are not always what they seem
You realize Thai logic does not tally with Western logic
You don’t believe anything they tell you !
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe: Albert Einstein


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Here ya gogh.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe: Albert Einstein


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A bit late but Eagle, I enjoyed your 2 last here.

I may have recounted this before  ;)  but I once lived on Bar Rd, Helford Passage in West Cornwall - (now home to a certain Roger Taylor amongst others).

In Greavsie's days with 'Saint', he moved in about 4 doors away. I'd see him most mornings walking along the lane with his dog, golf club and ball - as I left for the office about 8pm it was 'Good Morning Mr Greaves'. He was to be seen sometimes in the Ferry Boat Inn down the hill.

Just as I was plucking up the grit to ask him to give my 3 Lads a bit of training on the front lawn - a removal van turned up and he was not seen again.

A couple of weeks later, on 'S & G", Saint said to Greavsie, 'I understand you've moved back from Cornwall Greavsie after only 6 weeks'.

Greavsie's reply, "yeah Saint, I didn't realise how far it was from London".

Apparently he didn't notice the intervening 270 miles !!

That's my claim to fame . . .
''If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough'' - Albert Einstein