Joke of the Day

[jivvy]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[jivvy]

IN RESPONSE TO ALL RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG​:
PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.
YES, HE BIT TWO PEOPLE WEARING BURKAS,
TEN PEOPLE WEARING TURBANS,
TWENTY PEOPLE WEARING JEREMY CORBYN T-SHIRTS,
TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES,
FOUR JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES,
TWO MORMONS,
NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS,
THREE MUSLIMS AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.
BUT, FOR THE LAST TIME. . .
THIS DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

[Eagle 3]

 

[jivvy]

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"

[jivvy]

A brand new priest was about to lead his first mass & was really nervous.

He did the mass but because of his nerves, he stuttered some & forgot where he was a couple times. At the end of mass, he goes to the Monsignor & says, “Father, I know because of my nerves, I didn't do too well today. Do you have any advice on how to make my next mass better?”

The Monsignor says, “Son, don't worry about it. All of us have been new & nervous. Next week, why don't you put a little gin or vodka in your holy water, if you know what I mean. It should relax you.”

The next week he took the Monsignor's advice & drank a little too much vodka. He got up at mass & preached up a storm. Afterward, he went to the Monsignor & asked, “How did I do this week, Father?”

The Monsignor said, “You did a lot better but there are a few facts you should get straight…

    There are 10 Commandments, not 12,
    12 Disciples not 10,
    David slew Goliath, he didn't beat the shit out of him.
    Next week there is a Taffy-Pulling contest at St Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St Taffy's,
    We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T',
    We do not refer to Jesus Christ & His disciples as ‘JC & the Boys',
    We do not refer to the Father, Son & Holy Spirit as ‘Big Daddy, JC & the Spook',
    And last but not least, we do not refer to the Virgin Mary as ‘Mary with the Cherry'!”

[jivvy]

How tough are the British SAS?

I’ll put it like this:

I was once standing around a small bonfire in a forest in Germany, with a Para and an SAS guy. I was Royal Signals. They started arguing about who was the hardest.

The Para started bragging about his unit: “We parachute behind enemy lines, tab 8 miles to the battle carrying 100 pounds of kit, kick the crap out of the enemy. They all know they’ve been done by the Para’s.”

The SAS guy said: “Well we get behind enemy lines anyway we can, we tab 60 miles carrying 150lbs of kit. We then attack the enemy, do them over and then withdraw without anyone knowing we were there”.

They both turned expectantly to me.

You know what I said? Nothing, I just carried on poking the fire with the tip of my penis…

[jivvy]

3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?

[Roger]

 

"Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit "

[jivvy]

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish. 🧚

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Parliament is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"

"You crafty b*stard," replied the fairy.

[Roger]

Hope this works . . . ?

"If football is coming home someone should tell it about the planned border force strikes"

 

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/0/matt-cartoons-december-2022/

[jivvy]

Licenced To Lick.
A blonde orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug, and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug, and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up, and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning,
"Jeez, lady... Why do you let the bartender do it and not me?"
"Helloooo!" says the blonde. "Bert has a licker license!"

[jivvy]

Broken Down on the Motorway
Two Scousers (from Liverpool) riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift:
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls, but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows, but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery, so he tells the scousers he has to leave..
"R hey lad." They say. "Gissa lift."
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon, so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying m, to which he replies. "Scouse Eggs."
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it .
He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it, 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already." 🤣

[jivvy]

For three straight years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at the same country inn, once per year.

During his last visit, he'd finally managed to seduce the innkeeper's gorgeous daughter, so he couldn't wait to go there again.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.

"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about us and that I was pregnant, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bugger in the family than a lawyer."

[jivvy]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her…

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear;' replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[jivvy]

Ouch