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Online jivvy

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After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Online jivvy

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IN RESPONSE TO ALL RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG​:
PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.
YES, HE BIT TWO PEOPLE WEARING BURKAS,
TEN PEOPLE WEARING TURBANS,
TWENTY PEOPLE WEARING JEREMY CORBYN T-SHIRTS,
TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES,
FOUR JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES,
TWO MORMONS,
NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS,
THREE MUSLIMS AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.
BUT, FOR THE LAST TIME. . .
THIS DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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i am sofa king we todd did.


Online jivvy

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A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Online jivvy

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A brand new priest was about to lead his first mass & was really nervous.

He did the mass but because of his nerves, he stuttered some & forgot where he was a couple times. At the end of mass, he goes to the Monsignor & says, “Father, I know because of my nerves, I didn't do too well today. Do you have any advice on how to make my next mass better?”

The Monsignor says, “Son, don't worry about it. All of us have been new & nervous. Next week, why don't you put a little gin or vodka in your holy water, if you know what I mean. It should relax you.”

The next week he took the Monsignor's advice & drank a little too much vodka. He got up at mass & preached up a storm. Afterward, he went to the Monsignor & asked, “How did I do this week, Father?”

The Monsignor said, “You did a lot better but there are a few facts you should get straight…

    There are 10 Commandments, not 12,
    12 Disciples not 10,
    David slew Goliath, he didn't beat the shit out of him.
    Next week there is a Taffy-Pulling contest at St Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St Taffy's,
    We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T',
    We do not refer to Jesus Christ & His disciples as ‘JC & the Boys',
    We do not refer to the Father, Son & Holy Spirit as ‘Big Daddy, JC & the Spook',
    And last but not least, we do not refer to the Virgin Mary as ‘Mary with the Cherry'!”
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Online jivvy

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How tough are the British SAS?

I’ll put it like this:

I was once standing around a small bonfire in a forest in Germany, with a Para and an SAS guy. I was Royal Signals. They started arguing about who was the hardest.

The Para started bragging about his unit: “We parachute behind enemy lines, tab 8 miles to the battle carrying 100 pounds of kit, kick the crap out of the enemy. They all know they’ve been done by the Para’s.”

The SAS guy said: “Well we get behind enemy lines anyway we can, we tab 60 miles carrying 150lbs of kit. We then attack the enemy, do them over and then withdraw without anyone knowing we were there”.

They both turned expectantly to me.

You know what I said? Nothing, I just carried on poking the fire with the tip of my penis…
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Online jivvy

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3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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 ;)

"Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit "
''If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough'' - Albert Einstein


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I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish. 🧚

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Parliament is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"

"You crafty b*stard," replied the fairy.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates