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General => Random and Spurious => Topic started by: Administrator on June 17, 2019, 08:35:09 PM

Title: Joke of the Day
Post by: Administrator on June 17, 2019, 08:35:09 PM
Whilst I work on fixing whatever has broken....
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 19, 2019, 08:28:46 PM
MAN RULES

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
~
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
~
1. NO CRYING, CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
~
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
~
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
~
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
~
1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
~
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
~
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
~
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
~
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
~
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
~
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
~
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
`
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
~
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
~
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
~
1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
~
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
~
1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
~
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
~
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 20, 2019, 08:30:37 PM
IF MEN WROTE ADVISE COLUMN'S.

Q. My husband continually asks me to give him oral sex.
A. Do it semen helps you lose weight and gives your skin a healthy glow. Interestingly men know this, his offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless and shows how much he loves you. The best thing to do is do it twice a day and then cook him a nice meal.
~~~~~
Q. My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A. Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help, you may want to videotape this and present it as a gift to your husband on his birthday to ease your guilt you could then give him oral sex and cook him a delicious meal .
~~~~~
Q. My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A. This is perfectly natural behaviour and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and needs to show his prowess to other men a night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more relaxed and peaceful home•
~~~~~
Q. My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A. Obviously your husband cant get enough of you ! Knowing there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing- your best friend. Far from this being an issue this can bring you closer together .why not get some of your old college friends involved. If your apprehensive perhaps you should let him be with your friend's without you if your not sure then just give him oral sex and cook him his favorite meal while you think it over . Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (Its a great time to clean the house too) your so lucky your man sounds like a one in a million
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 21, 2019, 07:05:20 PM

The Pope was having a shower.
Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist',
and this happened to be one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.
'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'
'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'
So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of
2,000,000 Euros.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.
Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did
it cost you?'
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'
'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They must have seen you coming!'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 21, 2019, 08:00:28 PM

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into some quicksand and began to sink. Scared for is life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life. Back in the quicksand, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink, crying out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, then walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 22, 2019, 07:58:11 PM

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite,"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 22, 2019, 08:04:15 PM

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in." However, the bloke on the next table said, "My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died."
If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"
He said, "No; he choked on a sock."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 23, 2019, 06:39:09 PM

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood
pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch! 😈
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 23, 2019, 07:02:50 PM

Trials Of Life (1)

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death
~
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
~
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
~
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
~
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
~
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
~
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
~
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
~
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
~
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
~
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
~
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 24, 2019, 09:18:49 AM

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?
My doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes,"says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fawl off by itself.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 25, 2019, 08:36:52 AM

Elton John and his partner David Furnish had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

After the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into the maternity ward. A dozen babies were lying in their cribs, and eleven of them were crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying quietly, smiling. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful..??" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love...!!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 26, 2019, 08:36:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 26, 2019, 10:03:09 AM

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his Penis erect.

After a complete exam the Doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied:

"I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another Roll up my Arse.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 26, 2019, 10:11:35 AM
 We had the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire suburb.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger CRT had, made for 26 kms of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Bunnings 6hp mower.. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.

I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence-wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a truck battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ.

Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.

I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Scrubby Creek bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of fuel.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'.

But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.......So here I am in the middle of January, 38 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.

God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of petrol.

It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee and vomit when all mixed together, does not smell as bad a you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a demon now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the Fence I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 27, 2019, 07:30:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 28, 2019, 07:47:29 AM

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those winkers at Jewsons deliver the flipping bricks on time.'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 28, 2019, 08:48:30 AM

SCHOOLS - 1950s vs 2019

Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2019 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1950s - Robbie sent to headmaster and given six of the best.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2019 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD –
result deemed to be positive.
Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in a neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a good hiding

1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2019 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.

2019 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.

1950s - Wasps die.

2019 - Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism,
investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1950s - In a couple of minutes, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.

2019 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 28, 2019, 09:18:53 AM

A young boy, about eight years old, was at Tescos picking out a pretty good size box of washing powder. An assistant walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In
fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even then the assistant still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The assistant asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The assistant, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that washing powder on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 29, 2019, 06:09:42 PM

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a pint.
'This is a special day for me said the farmer.
I am celebrating.'
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman next to him.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 30, 2019, 02:51:59 PM
Not a joke, just reminiscing
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 30, 2019, 05:42:02 PM

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone!"
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it!" he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter. 😎
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 01, 2019, 01:41:54 PM

Frozen Carburetor

People frequently complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside.
The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
"What's the matter?" asked the Trooper.
“Carburetor’s frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
“OK, watch me closely and I'll show you."
The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers' office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began:
"On behalf of my daughter Janice . . . "
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 03, 2019, 08:57:06 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 05, 2019, 03:10:29 PM
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, “Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 05, 2019, 04:00:55 PM
Thought for today .

Help someone when they're in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 06, 2019, 09:44:49 AM
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the
far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat
out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly
drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .

Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the
lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because yer
father, yer grandfather and yer great-grandfather were all born in December,
when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 06, 2019, 08:07:29 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 09, 2019, 02:28:44 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 09, 2019, 04:58:41 PM
We were so poor when we were young that whenever mum opened a window, the birds would throw pieces of bread in.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 10, 2019, 04:46:08 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 16, 2019, 03:12:47 PM
Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.

The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."

The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jews, you're so good to your help."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Coolkorat on July 16, 2019, 05:47:24 PM
Went to the doctors for a prostate examination today. I asked him where I should put my clothes.

“Over there next to mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 20, 2019, 08:28:55 PM
A lady went into a bar and saw a man with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The man grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you"...?

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a £100.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thanks, miss I'm really flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before".....

She said, "Don't be flattered take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit".....!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 20, 2019, 08:54:36 PM
A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist's desk. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"

"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."

"I think," explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 24, 2019, 09:12:47 AM
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"


Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Roger on July 24, 2019, 10:54:35 AM
Kepp 'em coming Jivvy - great !
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 24, 2019, 04:28:32 PM
Sacked twice for lying,
incompetent as foreign Secretary,
looks and sounds like the mumbling fuck child of Winston Churchill and the Honeymonster.
But I'm sure Alexander Boris De Pfeffel Johnson is a real man of the people,
what could possibly go wrong?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Roger on July 25, 2019, 08:45:34 PM
So you like him then Jiv's ?

Nice song with just for you, a small word change, Boris for rabbit  ;)

https://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/andrews_sisters/run_rabbit_run.html

Boris ain't no rabbit  8)

Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 26, 2019, 08:55:55 AM
So you like him then Jiv's ?

Not particularly, but prepared to give him a chance
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 26, 2019, 09:18:16 PM
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of
his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 27, 2019, 08:14:04 AM
I once dated a lady police officer named Tina.

She was a Sergeant.

I stopped at her place one night, and in the morning she asked me if I wanted a cooked breakfast.

I said, "Don't fry for me Sergeant Tina"  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 27, 2019, 06:31:53 PM
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder and still, nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello,! ...You need to roll up the windows first.'..
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 28, 2019, 01:42:24 PM
Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?”

Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 29, 2019, 07:04:52 PM
Whether Conservative, Brexit, UKIP, Green, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says,
'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 29, 2019, 07:27:13 PM
Warning. May contain nuts!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 31, 2019, 12:48:18 PM
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .

I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...

'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..???😂
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 31, 2019, 12:49:31 PM
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 31, 2019, 12:56:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 31, 2019, 04:47:53 PM
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you, grandpa?" he asks. “Feeling fine," says the old man. “What's the food like?" “Terrific, wonderful menus." “And the nursing?" “Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." “What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?" “No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" “Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 01, 2019, 08:52:30 AM
I recently stole this

To My Knowledge There has been only Eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use:
11. What the fuck do you mean we're sinking? - Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
9. Where did all these flipping Indians come from? - Custer, 1877
8. Any flipping idiot could understand that. - Einstein, 1938
7. It does flipping look like her! - Picasso, 1926
6. How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5 You want WHAT on the flipping ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566 .
4 Scattered flipping showers, my arse! - Noah, 4314 BC
3 Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out? - Bill Clinton, 1999
2. Geez, I didn't think they'd get this flipping mad. - Saddam Hussein, 2003
1 I Must get that flipping handrail fixed. - Robert Maxwell, 1991
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 01, 2019, 01:01:09 PM

I've finally convinced my fat cow of a wife to start eating 3 square meals a day.
All I need to find now, is a local supplier of hay bales.

Ahh well
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 01, 2019, 05:21:25 PM
Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.

He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie"

As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked.

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Is there something else you would like..?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that frigging dog" !!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 02, 2019, 07:42:07 PM
I was sat in the George & Dragon  enjoying my own company. I took a sip of my drink and looked over to the other end of the bar. I saw a woman looking back at me.

She was wearing a Wonder Woman costume, with lots of flesh on show. We looked each other up and down, and both gave a knowing smile. I noticed she was drinking Budweiser like me, so I called the barman over.

"Same again for me, and another for the pretty lady over there."

He said, "That's a mirror, you pisshead, and the rest of the stag do left an hour ago."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 04, 2019, 08:11:16 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Roger on August 05, 2019, 11:20:04 AM
I noticed this - NOT a Mr Bean fan but with the rain coming down - I watched it and had a few chuckles. Bean's date was the gorgeous Tracey -  :o  and of course, the much missed Cilla.

When the boys were young on Saturdays we used to watch 'Blind Date' followed by 'Gladiators' - all good fun. But how the World has changed since those 'innocent' times . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLNhVC296YI
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 07, 2019, 01:28:47 PM
Leroy was waking along the beach in Jamaica when he saw an old lamp half buried in the sand. He picked it up and thought ‘Man, dis is like de tree wishes me heared about.’ He rubbed the lamp, and sure enough a genie appeared.

The genie spoke ‘Master, you have three wishes, but choose carefully for they cannot be undone.’

Leroy said ‘ No sweat ma man. For me first wish me’s wantin’ five million Jarmaykun dollars. ’

There was a puff of smoke and a case appeared at Leroy’s feet. He opened it and peeked inside. “Rude boy, dat’s enough bread for life.‘

He looked up at the genie ‘ Yo G, mah man, for me second wish me wants a Bugatti Veyron,…innit Me seen one on de telly, it’s one handsome car. ’

Another puff of smoke and the Bugatti appeared on the sand. Leroy said ‘Boyakasha!! Respect G. You da man.’

The genie asked ‘What is your last wish Master?’

Leroy thought long and hard and finally said “G. Me wants to be white and surrounded by pussy.’

The genie turned Leroy into a tampon
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Eagle 3 on August 08, 2019, 12:13:16 PM
I asked this Thai lady for the phone number for her store. She said sex sex sex free sex tonight.  :o Then I realized she meant 666-3629.  :(
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 08, 2019, 04:16:59 PM
A PREDICTION

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 12, 2019, 04:27:52 PM
Donald Trump is getting his daily briefing.

Last on the List: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 12, 2019, 04:41:34 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 12, 2019, 04:55:59 PM
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 13, 2019, 09:12:47 PM

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and.....(pause)...... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 14, 2019, 03:08:32 PM
My grandmother has always been such an inspiration to me.
She has crippling arthritis making it impossible to turn her neck,
suffers from unexpected blackouts,
she is too weak to lift a mug of tea from a table,
permanently has the shakes,
has cataracts in both eyes preventing her from seeing her hand in front of her face,
has violent fits,
suffers from incontinence and is prescribed treatment which induces nausea and dizziness.
Despite all that she turned to me this morning and said ....
"Always look on the bright side son .... At least I can still drive!!!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 14, 2019, 03:24:01 PM
Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott decided they were going to try to get Labour to appeal to middle class England. So, they dressed in tweed and suede got themselves a gun-dog and marched into a country pub somewhere in Middle England. They each ordered a pint of ale and waited for people to address them. One after the other people came in and lifted the dogs tail and walked away looking confused. Corbyn decided to ask the next one what he was doing. So when the next man approached and lifted the tail Corbyn said “ excuse me but why are so many people coming in here and lifting this dogs tail” , “Because” the man replied “ we was told that there was a dog with two arseholes in here”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 16, 2019, 09:12:32 AM
A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away...

She said, “But we don't know anything about each other”...

He said, “That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along”...

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort...

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife...

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel...

She said, “That was incredible!”...

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along”...

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths...

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath...

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”...

“No”, she said, “I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey”...
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 17, 2019, 07:58:02 PM
Caught my willy in my zipper today.
Thats the last time I buy zip on boots.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 17, 2019, 08:23:23 PM
One evening, after the honeymoon, Mark was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time.
And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment...
"And what's the use of that vintage hot rod?
Mark got a horrified look on his face.
She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Mark replied ......

"I wasn't..
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 18, 2019, 06:57:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 20, 2019, 08:41:11 PM
In response to all recent e-mails about our dog:

Please be advised, we are sick and tired of answering questions about him.

Yes, he bit two people wearing burkas,

Ten people wearing turbans,

Twenty people wearing Jeremy Corbyn t-shirts,

Two car drivers with rap music blaring from their vehicles,

Four Jehovah's Witnesses,

Two Mormons,

Nine teenagers with jogging pants hanging past their bum cracks,

Three Muslims and a Pakistani taxi driver.

But, for the last time please note. . .

THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 20, 2019, 08:48:48 PM
Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home in Ireland were turning one hundred years old....

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year-old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing, but the other could hear quite well.

When the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa....

The deaf sister said to her twin,

"WHAT DID HE SAY"...?

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman....

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY"...?

"HE SAID WE GOTTA SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other...

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY"...?

"HE SAID HE'S GONNA FOCUS"....

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,

"OH MY GOODNESS - BOTH OF US"...?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 28, 2019, 06:30:57 PM
A little boy is waiting for his mam to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
‘Get your hand out of there!’ she shouts. ‘Don't you know that women have teeth down there?’
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says ‘you know, you could go a little further if you want.’
‘What do you mean?’ he asks.
‘Well, why don't you put your hand down there?’ she says, pointing to her crotch.
‘Hell no,’ he cries, ‘you've got teeth down there.’
‘Don't be ridiculous,’ she responds, ‘there's no teeth there.’
‘Yes there are,’ he says, ‘my mom told me so.’
‘No there aren't,’ she insists. ‘Here, look for yourself.’ With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.’
‘No I'm sorry’ he says. ‘My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.’
‘Oh for Christ's sake!’ she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, ‘Look, I don't have any teeth down there.’
The boy takes a good long look, then replies: ‘Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised.’
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 29, 2019, 08:20:30 AM
 A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles..."

😉
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 29, 2019, 06:42:36 PM
A blonde city girl marries a rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to her, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. She takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on....”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 03, 2019, 05:16:18 PM
A nun goes to Mother Superior to tell her that she has used a swear word.
Mother Superior asks her to tell her story.

Nun "As you know I play golf and teed off yesterday with a perfect drive on a par 3, almost guaranteed to reach the green, but the ball hit a low flying pigeon about ten yards in front of me"
MS "and that's when you swore?"
Nun "no, when the ball dropped a squirrel picked it up and ran off with it"
MS "and that's when you swore?"
Nun "no, just as I was about to lose sight of it, an eagle swooped down and plucked the squirrel off the fairway and flew off with it"
MS "and you swore then?"
Nun "no, as it flew away it dropped the squirrel which dropped the ball and that bounced off a boulder onto the green and settled six inches from the flag"
MS "you missed the flipping putt didn't you?"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 03, 2019, 05:41:33 PM
Bill has married his childhood sweetheart, timid Tanya,
But Tanya is so timid she has never seen a mans wedding tackle and vowed to stay a virgin till her wedding night.
now Bill on the other hand has seen some action in the past and its rumored that he is quite large. Tanya has heard this and when they get to the bedroom she asks Bill if, to calm her nerves, he stands the other side of the door and shows her bit by bit.
Bill agrees and pokes one inch past the door.
Tanya has a panic attack but calms down so Bill pokes another inch past the door and she gets all flustered but calms down.
 'is everything ok'? says Bill 'yes' says Tanya. 'you can show me some more now'
'ok' says Bill 'im coming up the stairs now then'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 05, 2019, 05:58:27 PM
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 05, 2019, 06:13:01 PM
Comedy Gold this Guy
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 05, 2019, 07:05:40 PM
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y"ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there"s a wee bar called McTavish"s. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that"s nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there"s O"Driscoll"s Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they"ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you"ve had enough drinks, they"ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 08, 2019, 08:58:36 PM

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 09, 2019, 09:04:33 PM
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 09, 2019, 09:21:57 PM
An elderly man is sitting alone at a bar. It starts to get late and the bartender says,

-“Sorry pal, last call.”

Upon hearing this, the man pays his bill and turns to look at the door. As he begins to stand up, he suddenly falls and lands face first.

-“I must have had more than I thought.” He thinks to himself.

Looking at the door he thinks “If I can just make it there, a bit of fresh air will have me good as new.”

So the old man crawls to the door and props himself up, he takes a breath and as he begins to step, he again falls flat on his face.

Luckily, he only lived a block from the bar.

-“If I can just make it home, I’ll be just fine”

So the old man proceeds to crawl to his house. When he reaches the door, he again props himself up. As he is about to take a step, he once again falls flat on his face.

-“This just isn’t my night,” thought the old man. “I’ll just crawl into bed and call it quits.”

So the old man crawls up the stairs and into his bed where he immediately passes out.

As morning comes, he is rudely awoken by his wife.

-“You were pissed last night?” She asked angrily.

-“How’d you know?” He asks.

-“Well’ she answered ‘you left your bloody wheelchair at the pub again.”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 09, 2019, 09:31:57 PM
The Doctor's Clinic

One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks, "Tell me, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies, "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning, I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was opened. I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony, I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy. That was how I strained my back.

"Later that day, a second patient arrives and he appears he had been in a car wreck.

The doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible! What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and I was late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it! I was hit by a fridge! I don't know how the fridge fell on me, or where it came from!

"Before closing hours, the third patient came in. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asked, "What in the hell happened to you?!

" The patient replies, "Well, It started like this; "I was in a fridge..."