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General => Random and Spurious => Topic started by: Administrator on June 17, 2019, 08:35:09 PM

Title: Joke of the Day
Post by: Administrator on June 17, 2019, 08:35:09 PM
Whilst I work on fixing whatever has broken....
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 19, 2019, 08:28:46 PM
MAN RULES

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
~
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
~
1. NO CRYING, CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
~
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
~
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
~
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
~
1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
~
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
~
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
~
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
~
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
~
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
~
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
~
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
`
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
~
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
~
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
~
1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
~
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
~
1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
~
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
~
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 20, 2019, 08:30:37 PM
IF MEN WROTE ADVISE COLUMN'S.

Q. My husband continually asks me to give him oral sex.
A. Do it semen helps you lose weight and gives your skin a healthy glow. Interestingly men know this, his offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless and shows how much he loves you. The best thing to do is do it twice a day and then cook him a nice meal.
~~~~~
Q. My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A. Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help, you may want to videotape this and present it as a gift to your husband on his birthday to ease your guilt you could then give him oral sex and cook him a delicious meal .
~~~~~
Q. My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A. This is perfectly natural behaviour and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and needs to show his prowess to other men a night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more relaxed and peaceful home•
~~~~~
Q. My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A. Obviously your husband cant get enough of you ! Knowing there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing- your best friend. Far from this being an issue this can bring you closer together .why not get some of your old college friends involved. If your apprehensive perhaps you should let him be with your friend's without you if your not sure then just give him oral sex and cook him his favorite meal while you think it over . Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (Its a great time to clean the house too) your so lucky your man sounds like a one in a million
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 21, 2019, 07:05:20 PM

The Pope was having a shower.
Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist',
and this happened to be one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.
'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'
'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'
So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of
2,000,000 Euros.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.
Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did
it cost you?'
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'
'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They must have seen you coming!'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 21, 2019, 08:00:28 PM

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into some quicksand and began to sink. Scared for is life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life. Back in the quicksand, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink, crying out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, then walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 22, 2019, 07:58:11 PM

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite,"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 22, 2019, 08:04:15 PM

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in." However, the bloke on the next table said, "My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died."
If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"
He said, "No; he choked on a sock."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 23, 2019, 06:39:09 PM

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood
pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch! 😈
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 23, 2019, 07:02:50 PM

Trials Of Life (1)

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death
~
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
~
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
~
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
~
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
~
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
~
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
~
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
~
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
~
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
~
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
~
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 24, 2019, 09:18:49 AM

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?
My doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes,"says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fawl off by itself.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 25, 2019, 08:36:52 AM

Elton John and his partner David Furnish had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

After the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into the maternity ward. A dozen babies were lying in their cribs, and eleven of them were crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying quietly, smiling. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful..??" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love...!!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 26, 2019, 08:36:14 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 26, 2019, 10:03:09 AM

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his Penis erect.

After a complete exam the Doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied:

"I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another Roll up my Arse.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 26, 2019, 10:11:35 AM
 We had the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire suburb.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger CRT had, made for 26 kms of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Bunnings 6hp mower.. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.

I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence-wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a truck battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ.

Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.

I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Scrubby Creek bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of fuel.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'.

But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.......So here I am in the middle of January, 38 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.

God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of petrol.

It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee and vomit when all mixed together, does not smell as bad a you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a demon now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the Fence I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 27, 2019, 07:30:31 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 28, 2019, 07:47:29 AM

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those winkers at Jewsons deliver the flipping bricks on time.'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 28, 2019, 08:48:30 AM

SCHOOLS - 1950s vs 2019

Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2019 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1950s - Robbie sent to headmaster and given six of the best.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2019 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD –
result deemed to be positive.
Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in a neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a good hiding

1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2019 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.

2019 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.

1950s - Wasps die.

2019 - Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism,
investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1950s - In a couple of minutes, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.

2019 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 28, 2019, 09:18:53 AM

A young boy, about eight years old, was at Tescos picking out a pretty good size box of washing powder. An assistant walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In
fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even then the assistant still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The assistant asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The assistant, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that washing powder on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 29, 2019, 06:09:42 PM

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a pint.
'This is a special day for me said the farmer.
I am celebrating.'
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman next to him.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 30, 2019, 02:51:59 PM
Not a joke, just reminiscing
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on June 30, 2019, 05:42:02 PM

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone!"
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it!" he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter. 😎
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 01, 2019, 01:41:54 PM

Frozen Carburetor

People frequently complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside.
The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
"What's the matter?" asked the Trooper.
“Carburetor’s frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
“OK, watch me closely and I'll show you."
The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers' office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began:
"On behalf of my daughter Janice . . . "
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 03, 2019, 08:57:06 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 05, 2019, 03:10:29 PM
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, “Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 05, 2019, 04:00:55 PM
Thought for today .

Help someone when they're in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 06, 2019, 09:44:49 AM
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the
far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat
out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly
drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .

Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the
lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because yer
father, yer grandfather and yer great-grandfather were all born in December,
when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 06, 2019, 08:07:29 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 09, 2019, 02:28:44 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 09, 2019, 04:58:41 PM
We were so poor when we were young that whenever mum opened a window, the birds would throw pieces of bread in.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 10, 2019, 04:46:08 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 16, 2019, 03:12:47 PM
Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.

The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."

The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jews, you're so good to your help."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Coolkorat on July 16, 2019, 05:47:24 PM
Went to the doctors for a prostate examination today. I asked him where I should put my clothes.

“Over there next to mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 20, 2019, 08:28:55 PM
A lady went into a bar and saw a man with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The man grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you"...?

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a £100.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thanks, miss I'm really flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before".....

She said, "Don't be flattered take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit".....!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 20, 2019, 08:54:36 PM
A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist's desk. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"

"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."

"I think," explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 24, 2019, 09:12:47 AM
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"


Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Roger on July 24, 2019, 10:54:35 AM
Kepp 'em coming Jivvy - great !
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 24, 2019, 04:28:32 PM
Sacked twice for lying,
incompetent as foreign Secretary,
looks and sounds like the mumbling fuck child of Winston Churchill and the Honeymonster.
But I'm sure Alexander Boris De Pfeffel Johnson is a real man of the people,
what could possibly go wrong?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Roger on July 25, 2019, 08:45:34 PM
So you like him then Jiv's ?

Nice song with just for you, a small word change, Boris for rabbit  ;)

https://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/andrews_sisters/run_rabbit_run.html

Boris ain't no rabbit  8)

Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 26, 2019, 08:55:55 AM
So you like him then Jiv's ?

Not particularly, but prepared to give him a chance
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 26, 2019, 09:18:16 PM
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of
his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 27, 2019, 08:14:04 AM
I once dated a lady police officer named Tina.

She was a Sergeant.

I stopped at her place one night, and in the morning she asked me if I wanted a cooked breakfast.

I said, "Don't fry for me Sergeant Tina"  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 27, 2019, 06:31:53 PM
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder and still, nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello,! ...You need to roll up the windows first.'..
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 28, 2019, 01:42:24 PM
Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?”

Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 29, 2019, 07:04:52 PM
Whether Conservative, Brexit, UKIP, Green, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says,
'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 29, 2019, 07:27:13 PM
Warning. May contain nuts!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 31, 2019, 12:48:18 PM
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .

I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...

'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..???😂
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 31, 2019, 12:49:31 PM
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 31, 2019, 12:56:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on July 31, 2019, 04:47:53 PM
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you, grandpa?" he asks. “Feeling fine," says the old man. “What's the food like?" “Terrific, wonderful menus." “And the nursing?" “Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." “What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?" “No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" “Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 01, 2019, 08:52:30 AM
I recently stole this

To My Knowledge There has been only Eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use:
11. What the fuck do you mean we're sinking? - Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
9. Where did all these flipping Indians come from? - Custer, 1877
8. Any flipping idiot could understand that. - Einstein, 1938
7. It does flipping look like her! - Picasso, 1926
6. How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5 You want WHAT on the flipping ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566 .
4 Scattered flipping showers, my arse! - Noah, 4314 BC
3 Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out? - Bill Clinton, 1999
2. Geez, I didn't think they'd get this flipping mad. - Saddam Hussein, 2003
1 I Must get that flipping handrail fixed. - Robert Maxwell, 1991
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 01, 2019, 01:01:09 PM

I've finally convinced my fat cow of a wife to start eating 3 square meals a day.
All I need to find now, is a local supplier of hay bales.

Ahh well
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 01, 2019, 05:21:25 PM
Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.

He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie"

As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked.

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Is there something else you would like..?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that frigging dog" !!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 02, 2019, 07:42:07 PM
I was sat in the George & Dragon  enjoying my own company. I took a sip of my drink and looked over to the other end of the bar. I saw a woman looking back at me.

She was wearing a Wonder Woman costume, with lots of flesh on show. We looked each other up and down, and both gave a knowing smile. I noticed she was drinking Budweiser like me, so I called the barman over.

"Same again for me, and another for the pretty lady over there."

He said, "That's a mirror, you pisshead, and the rest of the stag do left an hour ago."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 04, 2019, 08:11:16 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Roger on August 05, 2019, 11:20:04 AM
I noticed this - NOT a Mr Bean fan but with the rain coming down - I watched it and had a few chuckles. Bean's date was the gorgeous Tracey -  :o  and of course, the much missed Cilla.

When the boys were young on Saturdays we used to watch 'Blind Date' followed by 'Gladiators' - all good fun. But how the World has changed since those 'innocent' times . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLNhVC296YI
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 07, 2019, 01:28:47 PM
Leroy was waking along the beach in Jamaica when he saw an old lamp half buried in the sand. He picked it up and thought ‘Man, dis is like de tree wishes me heared about.’ He rubbed the lamp, and sure enough a genie appeared.

The genie spoke ‘Master, you have three wishes, but choose carefully for they cannot be undone.’

Leroy said ‘ No sweat ma man. For me first wish me’s wantin’ five million Jarmaykun dollars. ’

There was a puff of smoke and a case appeared at Leroy’s feet. He opened it and peeked inside. “Rude boy, dat’s enough bread for life.‘

He looked up at the genie ‘ Yo G, mah man, for me second wish me wants a Bugatti Veyron,…innit Me seen one on de telly, it’s one handsome car. ’

Another puff of smoke and the Bugatti appeared on the sand. Leroy said ‘Boyakasha!! Respect G. You da man.’

The genie asked ‘What is your last wish Master?’

Leroy thought long and hard and finally said “G. Me wants to be white and surrounded by pussy.’

The genie turned Leroy into a tampon
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Eagle 3 on August 08, 2019, 12:13:16 PM
I asked this Thai lady for the phone number for her store. She said sex sex sex free sex tonight.  :o Then I realized she meant 666-3629.  :(
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 08, 2019, 04:16:59 PM
A PREDICTION

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 12, 2019, 04:27:52 PM
Donald Trump is getting his daily briefing.

Last on the List: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 12, 2019, 04:41:34 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 12, 2019, 04:55:59 PM
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 13, 2019, 09:12:47 PM

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and.....(pause)...... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 14, 2019, 03:08:32 PM
My grandmother has always been such an inspiration to me.
She has crippling arthritis making it impossible to turn her neck,
suffers from unexpected blackouts,
she is too weak to lift a mug of tea from a table,
permanently has the shakes,
has cataracts in both eyes preventing her from seeing her hand in front of her face,
has violent fits,
suffers from incontinence and is prescribed treatment which induces nausea and dizziness.
Despite all that she turned to me this morning and said ....
"Always look on the bright side son .... At least I can still drive!!!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 14, 2019, 03:24:01 PM
Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott decided they were going to try to get Labour to appeal to middle class England. So, they dressed in tweed and suede got themselves a gun-dog and marched into a country pub somewhere in Middle England. They each ordered a pint of ale and waited for people to address them. One after the other people came in and lifted the dogs tail and walked away looking confused. Corbyn decided to ask the next one what he was doing. So when the next man approached and lifted the tail Corbyn said “ excuse me but why are so many people coming in here and lifting this dogs tail” , “Because” the man replied “ we was told that there was a dog with two arseholes in here”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 16, 2019, 09:12:32 AM
A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away...

She said, “But we don't know anything about each other”...

He said, “That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along”...

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort...

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife...

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel...

She said, “That was incredible!”...

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along”...

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths...

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath...

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”...

“No”, she said, “I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey”...
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 17, 2019, 07:58:02 PM
Caught my willy in my zipper today.
Thats the last time I buy zip on boots.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 17, 2019, 08:23:23 PM
One evening, after the honeymoon, Mark was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time.
And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment...
"And what's the use of that vintage hot rod?
Mark got a horrified look on his face.
She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Mark replied ......

"I wasn't..
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 18, 2019, 06:57:13 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 20, 2019, 08:41:11 PM
In response to all recent e-mails about our dog:

Please be advised, we are sick and tired of answering questions about him.

Yes, he bit two people wearing burkas,

Ten people wearing turbans,

Twenty people wearing Jeremy Corbyn t-shirts,

Two car drivers with rap music blaring from their vehicles,

Four Jehovah's Witnesses,

Two Mormons,

Nine teenagers with jogging pants hanging past their bum cracks,

Three Muslims and a Pakistani taxi driver.

But, for the last time please note. . .

THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 20, 2019, 08:48:48 PM
Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home in Ireland were turning one hundred years old....

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year-old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing, but the other could hear quite well.

When the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa....

The deaf sister said to her twin,

"WHAT DID HE SAY"...?

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman....

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY"...?

"HE SAID WE GOTTA SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other...

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY"...?

"HE SAID HE'S GONNA FOCUS"....

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,

"OH MY GOODNESS - BOTH OF US"...?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 28, 2019, 06:30:57 PM
A little boy is waiting for his mam to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
‘Get your hand out of there!’ she shouts. ‘Don't you know that women have teeth down there?’
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says ‘you know, you could go a little further if you want.’
‘What do you mean?’ he asks.
‘Well, why don't you put your hand down there?’ she says, pointing to her crotch.
‘Hell no,’ he cries, ‘you've got teeth down there.’
‘Don't be ridiculous,’ she responds, ‘there's no teeth there.’
‘Yes there are,’ he says, ‘my mom told me so.’
‘No there aren't,’ she insists. ‘Here, look for yourself.’ With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.’
‘No I'm sorry’ he says. ‘My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.’
‘Oh for Christ's sake!’ she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, ‘Look, I don't have any teeth down there.’
The boy takes a good long look, then replies: ‘Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised.’
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 29, 2019, 08:20:30 AM
 A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles..."

😉
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on August 29, 2019, 06:42:36 PM
A blonde city girl marries a rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to her, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. She takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on....”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 03, 2019, 05:16:18 PM
A nun goes to Mother Superior to tell her that she has used a swear word.
Mother Superior asks her to tell her story.

Nun "As you know I play golf and teed off yesterday with a perfect drive on a par 3, almost guaranteed to reach the green, but the ball hit a low flying pigeon about ten yards in front of me"
MS "and that's when you swore?"
Nun "no, when the ball dropped a squirrel picked it up and ran off with it"
MS "and that's when you swore?"
Nun "no, just as I was about to lose sight of it, an eagle swooped down and plucked the squirrel off the fairway and flew off with it"
MS "and you swore then?"
Nun "no, as it flew away it dropped the squirrel which dropped the ball and that bounced off a boulder onto the green and settled six inches from the flag"
MS "you missed the flipping putt didn't you?"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 03, 2019, 05:41:33 PM
Bill has married his childhood sweetheart, timid Tanya,
But Tanya is so timid she has never seen a mans wedding tackle and vowed to stay a virgin till her wedding night.
now Bill on the other hand has seen some action in the past and its rumored that he is quite large. Tanya has heard this and when they get to the bedroom she asks Bill if, to calm her nerves, he stands the other side of the door and shows her bit by bit.
Bill agrees and pokes one inch past the door.
Tanya has a panic attack but calms down so Bill pokes another inch past the door and she gets all flustered but calms down.
 'is everything ok'? says Bill 'yes' says Tanya. 'you can show me some more now'
'ok' says Bill 'im coming up the stairs now then'
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 05, 2019, 05:58:27 PM
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 05, 2019, 06:13:01 PM
Comedy Gold this Guy
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 05, 2019, 07:05:40 PM
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y"ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there"s a wee bar called McTavish"s. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that"s nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there"s O"Driscoll"s Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they"ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you"ve had enough drinks, they"ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 08, 2019, 08:58:36 PM

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 09, 2019, 09:04:33 PM
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 09, 2019, 09:21:57 PM
An elderly man is sitting alone at a bar. It starts to get late and the bartender says,

-“Sorry pal, last call.”

Upon hearing this, the man pays his bill and turns to look at the door. As he begins to stand up, he suddenly falls and lands face first.

-“I must have had more than I thought.” He thinks to himself.

Looking at the door he thinks “If I can just make it there, a bit of fresh air will have me good as new.”

So the old man crawls to the door and props himself up, he takes a breath and as he begins to step, he again falls flat on his face.

Luckily, he only lived a block from the bar.

-“If I can just make it home, I’ll be just fine”

So the old man proceeds to crawl to his house. When he reaches the door, he again props himself up. As he is about to take a step, he once again falls flat on his face.

-“This just isn’t my night,” thought the old man. “I’ll just crawl into bed and call it quits.”

So the old man crawls up the stairs and into his bed where he immediately passes out.

As morning comes, he is rudely awoken by his wife.

-“You were pissed last night?” She asked angrily.

-“How’d you know?” He asks.

-“Well’ she answered ‘you left your bloody wheelchair at the pub again.”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 09, 2019, 09:31:57 PM
The Doctor's Clinic

One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks, "Tell me, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies, "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning, I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was opened. I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony, I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy. That was how I strained my back.

"Later that day, a second patient arrives and he appears he had been in a car wreck.

The doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible! What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and I was late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it! I was hit by a fridge! I don't know how the fridge fell on me, or where it came from!

"Before closing hours, the third patient came in. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asked, "What in the hell happened to you?!

" The patient replies, "Well, It started like this; "I was in a fridge..."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 16, 2019, 06:41:02 PM
Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 19, 2019, 02:58:40 PM
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'🤣
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 19, 2019, 03:08:34 PM
Why don't witches wear any underwear?
To get a better grip on the broom.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 20, 2019, 09:33:29 AM

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 21, 2019, 11:53:54 AM
Johnny," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a shit, sir," says Johnny.
"Oh," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a bricklayer," says Johnny.
The teacher thinks, hmm, working class, what else can you expect?
"Bobby," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a shit, sir," says Bobby.
"Hmm," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a joiner," says Johnny.
The teacher sees this as confirming his suspicions about the lack of linguistic skills among working class children.
"Freddy," he says. "What does your father do for a living?"
"He's a lawyer, sir" says Freddy.
"And what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He reads The Times, sir," says Freddy.
"Interesting," says the teacher, "and how much time does he spend reading the paper?"
"Not long," says Freddy, "just until he's finished taking a shit."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 21, 2019, 12:01:03 PM
Filmed at Yamo....click on link
https://www.facebook.com/falicia.goldsby/videos/2912941498720517/ (https://www.facebook.com/falicia.goldsby/videos/2912941498720517/)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Roger on September 24, 2019, 04:06:10 AM
I enjoyed this DT cartoon at the expense of the UK Labour Party   ::)
Hope you do . . . . .

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 24, 2019, 07:55:54 PM
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always
run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.. just when it's raining.'😜😂
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 25, 2019, 09:10:50 AM
Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!!.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 25, 2019, 05:37:02 PM
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class,

'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence

and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

Ralphy?

He replies,

'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

Then the teacher says,

" the correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

And Little Ralphy comes back with:

'I have a question for you, Miss.

There are 2 women sitting on a bench eating ice creams.

One is delicately licking the sides of her triple scoop.

The other is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing, replies,

'Well, I suppose the one who's gobbling and sucking.

To which Little Ralphy retorts,

'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,

but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little Ralphy arrives home from school.

He says 'I got an F in arithmetic.'

'Why?' asks his dad?

Well, the teacher asked me

'How much is 2 times 3,''

I said '6'.

'Yair, that's right!' says his dad.

'But then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the flipping difference?' says dad.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

The teacher says,

'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class...

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Ralphy pipes up with:

'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says,

'Wow, Ralphy, that's a mouthful.'

'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during a grammar lesson ,

the teacher asked for a show of hands from those

who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie.'

Ralphy?

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said

'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little Ralphy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th, a man on the opposite bench said,

'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.

It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

So Little Ralphy replied,

'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked,

'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

'No, he minded his own f....... business.

(Dontcha luv Little Ralphy?)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 26, 2019, 07:41:01 PM
19 hrs ·

The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale, near Richmond.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a 'I Love Man U T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Manchester United T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 27, 2019, 02:37:41 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 28, 2019, 09:39:50 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 28, 2019, 04:13:20 PM
One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 29, 2019, 09:41:51 AM
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?' The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam '.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on September 29, 2019, 04:19:39 PM
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As i approached the receptionist's desk, noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Me ,a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, i recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!😞😂
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 01, 2019, 11:42:51 AM
 Blackadder...

Baldrick: "What I want to know, sir, is before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. Now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. Now, what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs?"

Blackadder:"Baldrick ,do you mean, how did the Euro start?

Baldrick: “Yes sir.”

Blackadder: “Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980’s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation where financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises.”

Baldrick: “But there is a sort of a crisis, isn’t it sir?”

Blackadder: “That’s right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan.”

Baldrick: “What was that then sir?”

Blackadder: “It was bollocks.”lol
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 01, 2019, 05:47:18 PM
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 03, 2019, 05:21:08 PM
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Aussie Bricklayer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them:

The Aussie fumed. "What's with those buggers? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in. "I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!"

The Chinese Businessman called out. "Move it. Time is money!"

The Catholic Priest said. "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George." Said the Catholic Priest. "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens keeper replied. "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest was the first to speak and said. "That's so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said. "Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Businessman replied. "I'm writing a cheque at this very moment. $50,000 to these brave souls."

The Aussie Bricklayer said. "Why can't the buggers play at night?" 😂😂
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 04, 2019, 09:14:24 AM
How Fights Start with Wife:

My son asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from."

I replied. "'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

And then the fight started...

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini." He replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

And then the fight started...

My wife asked me if I believed in religion.

I said. "Not until I married you."

The wife said. "Why."

I said. "Now I believe in Hell."

And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked. "What's on TV?"

I said. "Dust."

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said. "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said. "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said. "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said. 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked. "Do you know her?"

"Yes." I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God." Says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said. "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband. "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies. "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

and then the fight started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man. "Holy crap. That must be my husband!"

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman. "I AM your husband!"

The woman yelled back. "Yeah, then why were you running?"

And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered. "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied. "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started ...

I asked my wife. "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said.

So I suggested. "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said. "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said. "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying. "Yes."

So I said. "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass. I said. "You might as well sweep the driveway."

and then the fight started...
7
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 04, 2019, 09:23:31 AM
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together:

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies. "No!"
Johnny asks. "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies. "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom. "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies. "No!"
Johnny says. "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies. "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again. "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says. "No!"
He asks. "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies. "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says. "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue!"....
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 05, 2019, 08:09:36 AM
An Alabama preacher said to his flock, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke:

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 05, 2019, 05:38:00 PM
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman

sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'

..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply

to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her

and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,

a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,

a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami,

and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.
 Just send the wine back.'😂
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 06, 2019, 04:23:29 PM
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river Thames in London.........
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it"......''Well,' said the big Croc, What have you been eating"...?
"Politicians, same as you", replied the small Croc, 'And I can tell you how I catch them in the car park next to Parliament.....
I crawl up under one of their posh cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase....
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 07, 2019, 03:49:57 PM
One day a florist in Edinburgh went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he sked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thankyou' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of the Scottish Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of the Scottish Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of the Scottish Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 07, 2019, 08:31:27 PM
A handful of 7 year old children were asked "What they thought of beer."

Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching:

"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets."

--Tim, 7 years old

"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."

--Melanie, 7 years old

"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."

--Grady, 7 years old

"'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."

--Toby, 7 years old

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

--Sarah, 7 years old

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool."

--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."

--Ethan, 7 years old

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep. "

--Shirley, 7 years old

"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."

--Jack, 7 years old. 😂
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 08, 2019, 08:02:13 PM
Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.
To calm the situation, Jesus said: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.”
Suddenly an old woman at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot. Jesus looked at the old lady and said: “Mother, sometimes you are a real flipping embarrassment.”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 10, 2019, 02:54:52 PM
copied this from another site.....

LMFAO!!!!!
Proof that the world is nuts, a rerun but still funny

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must
be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by
death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.

He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to
undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or
piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation!

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young
virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even
comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be
killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter
at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:

Prophylactics may be
dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are
sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well,.... not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over
on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet...

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts...

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 10, 2019, 09:41:20 PM
There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl...

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile...

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method"...

"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record"...

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said..

Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work...

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going...

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet...

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby"...

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby"...

He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucketl and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you"...?

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 11, 2019, 03:55:19 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 13, 2019, 06:39:57 AM
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”

God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 15, 2019, 08:31:08 PM
 A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it’s a gay bar:

"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

"The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking."

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says.....
"So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" 😂
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 18, 2019, 04:47:38 PM
Colin Knows Everyone

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them"...
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise"...? "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"...
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch"...
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else"... Colin says.. "President Clinton"... His boss quickly retorts. "Yes"... Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington"... And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"...
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope"... His boss replies.
"Sure"... Says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time"... So off they fly to Rome...
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope"... An he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened"...?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fucks that on the balcony with Colin"...?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Alfie on October 18, 2019, 09:45:02 PM
^  I like it.

(https://i.imgur.com/zfGsgNO.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 19, 2019, 04:48:26 PM
My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 19, 2019, 08:09:23 PM
not so little Red Riding Hood
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 21, 2019, 08:09:55 PM
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens.
He kept the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in he village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation: "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no" he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no" he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no" he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 21, 2019, 08:24:52 PM
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden
he hears music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave
with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".
Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and
it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return
with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece,
it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,
again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the
reverse order in which they were composed,
the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around
the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says.

” He’s decomposing!”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 22, 2019, 06:27:56 PM
Two women are talking. " My husband is hung like a donkey! " says one.
"The trouble is, " says the other, " he smells like one!"

A woman is talking to her husband: "If I died, would you meet someone else? "
The husband replies, "I don't see why not."
She says, "Would she sleep in our bed?"
He replies, "Probably, yeah."
His wife asks, "Would you play golf with her?
He replies, " Yeah probably. "
"And would you let her use my clubs."? Says the woman.
Her husband replies, " No she is left handed"......

Two women are looking at a baby in a pram.
The first women says, "Was your husband at the birth?"
The second woman says, " No, and to be honest, he wasn't at the conception either".....
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Roger on October 22, 2019, 07:59:40 PM
Very good Jivvy !   ;D  ATB
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 23, 2019, 03:13:12 PM
A married couple are lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 25, 2019, 04:40:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 25, 2019, 04:43:00 PM
Call at your convenience
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 25, 2019, 07:01:55 PM
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"
"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "This is mine."
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who IN the hell is Donald Trump?" asked Pinocchio.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 27, 2019, 07:19:31 PM
https://www.facebook.com/OMGawk/videos/888543071495529/
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 29, 2019, 08:32:00 AM
Now at the Mall
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 30, 2019, 01:55:17 PM
We're having a Brexit dinner this year. It's the same as a Christmas dinner but without Brussels 🤣
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 30, 2019, 04:19:39 PM
The Proper way to call someone a bugger

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Eagle 3 on October 31, 2019, 02:24:51 PM
Have You Ever Been to These Places?

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepshit many times. The older I get, the easier it is to get there.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 31, 2019, 02:47:26 PM
A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must have been the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply, asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one!!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on October 31, 2019, 03:18:17 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 01, 2019, 06:43:55 PM
Caeser announces to his fellow Romans.
"Tomorrow, I will gather my legions and invade France. I will kill any Frenchman that gets in my way"
Brutus says to a centurion " he talks a good war, but you watch, he won't do it"
The following day Caeser rounds up his armies and sets off for France. Six months later, he's back.
"My beloved Romans I am pleased to announce that we have conquered France and in the process we have slain 50,000 Gauls."
" I can't believe it" says Brutus to the centurion. " I'm going to have to go and see for myself"
Brutus hops onto a galley and sets sail for France. Two weeks later, he's back Just as Caeser is starting another of his speeches.
"My fellow countrymen..." Begins Caeser.
"You lying git" shouts Brutus
"I beg your pardon?" Says Caeser
" You said had conquered France and slain 50,000 Gauls, but in actual fact, you have only slain 25,000". Exclaimed Brutus.
"Ah, but you forget..." Says Caeser " In Europe, away Gauls count double !"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 05, 2019, 07:56:15 PM
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be honest, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit.'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied...

'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls............You must be a politician
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 07, 2019, 08:05:51 PM
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocer,y gets the urge.
It's a diarrhea run!!!
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere.
It's on him, the walls, etc.
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 09, 2019, 10:14:46 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 10, 2019, 08:46:56 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 10, 2019, 01:41:34 PM
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s, when they struck up a conversation:

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said: “So, why are you here?”

The yellow Lab replied: “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black Lab said: “So what’s the vet going to do?”

“Gonna cut my nuts off,” came the reply from the yellow Lab.
“They reckon it’ll calm me down.”

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked: “So, why are you here?”

The Black Lab said: “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners’ couch.”

“So what are they going to do to you ? ” the Yellow Lab enquired.

“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked: “Why are you here?”

“I’m a humper." Said the Great Dane. "I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away.”

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said: “So, it’s nuts off for you too, huh?”

The Great Dane said: “No. Apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped!” 😂
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 12, 2019, 01:49:26 PM
 ;D especially in Thailand
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 13, 2019, 07:36:28 PM

A woman goes to the doctors and says " I think I'm pregnant"
The doctor says "Have you had a check up?"
The woman says " No. I think he was a German"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 13, 2019, 07:39:11 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 14, 2019, 04:25:11 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 16, 2019, 07:37:28 AM

It's amazing to see how time flies,
I can still remember when my wife and I were first married and not long after a lovely little chubby creature with bow legs and no teeth who was always dribbling and wetting itself came into our lives and gave us countless sleepless nights!!
Nah.....it wasn't a baby.....her MUM came to live with us!!.. 😂😂
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 16, 2019, 01:58:51 PM
A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her bra and At 80 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree! His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 16, 2019, 09:04:20 PM
An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him the woman asks the man, “How would you like to get out of here?”

The man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly.

The woman speaks up first and says “I’m a prostitute and it’s going to be $100 for my service.”

The man is stunned and saddened that she didn’t really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to go back to that bar.

The man starts his car, turns on his taxi meter and says: “It’s going to be $150 for the ride here and back.”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 17, 2019, 02:28:27 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 18, 2019, 07:59:52 AM
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, '
I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the
one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing
something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution,
and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to p rofessional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God,
'hold on.'God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a
few words and waited for the results.The computer printed out
a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my
invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these
numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 23, 2019, 03:09:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 25, 2019, 04:32:31 PM
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Ireland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the UK and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Ireland . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local Irish custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow dung.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 28, 2019, 08:27:28 AM
*WHY MEN ARE SO HONEST*

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Angel appeared & asked, *"Why are you crying?"*

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water & he needed it to make a living.

The Angel went down into the water & reappeared with a *Golden Axe*. "Is this your axe?" the Angel asked. The woodcutter replied: *"No."*

The Angel again went down & came up with a *Silver Axe.* "Is this your axe?" the Angel asked. Again, the woodcutter replied: *"No."*

The Angel went down again & came up with an *Iron Axe*. "Is this your axe?" the Angel asked. The woodcutter replied: *"Yes."*

The Angel was pleased with the man's honesty & gave him all 3 Axes to keep, & the woodcutter went home happy.

Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, & his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Angel again appeared & asked him: "Why are you crying?"

*"Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!"*

The Angel went down into the water & came up with Demi Moore.

"Is this your wife?" the Angel asked. *"Yes,"* cried the woodcutter.

The Angel was furious. *"You lied!* That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said *'NO'* to Demi Moore, you would have come up with Sophia Loren. Then if I said *'NO'* to her, you would have come up with *MY WIFE*. Had I then said *'YES,' you would have given me all 3.*
I'm a poor man, & not able to take care of 3 wives, so *THAT'S why I said YES to Demi."*

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a *good & honourable reason & for the benefit of others.*

That's our story, &
we're sticking to it!

*WE MEN ARE TRULY HONORABLE!*
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on November 29, 2019, 06:08:55 PM
Graham with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.
Graham agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, Graham goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. She nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly Graham screams, "DAMN!"
"What's the matter?" asks Helen . "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies Graham, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 03, 2019, 06:23:54 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 03, 2019, 06:25:09 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Roger on December 03, 2019, 07:52:19 PM
Excellent Jivvy  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 05, 2019, 07:16:34 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 07, 2019, 01:30:25 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 10, 2019, 05:25:54 PM
A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp, "No sex for the first 7 days just wanks"...

She asked, "Why only wanks"...?

Her pimp said, "Union rules you gotta work a week in hand"...
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 11, 2019, 08:56:55 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 11, 2019, 09:14:31 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8Yf5B6GbYk
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 11, 2019, 09:19:36 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UA32hAhNvYI
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 17, 2019, 07:48:26 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 18, 2019, 01:20:44 PM
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their parents do for a living. All the typical answers came up - mechanic, business, sales, doctor, engineer... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his parents, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside."Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Republican National Committee and is trying to get Trump re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 19, 2019, 07:57:17 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 20, 2019, 08:20:02 AM
Everybody out
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 23, 2019, 08:35:40 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 23, 2019, 08:54:59 PM
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, .....'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Roger on December 25, 2019, 10:57:13 AM
We're having a 'Brexit' dinner this Christmas Day . . . . NOT having any Brussels   ;D

Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 25, 2019, 03:08:56 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 26, 2019, 02:59:23 PM
I was in ecstasy, with a smile on my face, as my girlfriend moved forwards then backwards ......forwards then backwards....

Back and forth .. Back and forth.. In and out .... In and out..

Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flushed & she started to grunt and groan.

Then she let out one almighty scream!!! ..........

"I cant park this bloody car! You do it you smug bugger!"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 29, 2019, 08:57:31 PM
My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on December 31, 2019, 08:26:21 AM
 ;D Retirees in Thailand
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 03, 2020, 07:31:07 PM
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and went out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 05, 2020, 04:54:28 PM
THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER 😈 Old but still funny.

The Manchester United FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Manchester United are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Manchester United. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset.. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,

'It's your bloody fault we came to Manchester in the first

place!
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 06, 2020, 09:23:12 PM
Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turned out that her husband, Ralph, had read an article that said, ‘Wives who worked full-time and had to do all the housework were too tired to have sex’.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it.

‘We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.’

‘But what about afterward?’ asked her friends.

‘Oh, that … Ralph was too tired..
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 07, 2020, 02:54:52 PM
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.
The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note. The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin." The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.
The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5.00 note.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin."
At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight runt.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Eagle 3 on January 07, 2020, 10:23:30 PM
Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
The conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary, same day:
A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 08, 2020, 01:04:46 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: dam12641 on January 08, 2020, 06:54:45 PM
Is that a Fred West quote?
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 08, 2020, 08:12:58 PM
Caeser announces to his fellow Romans.
"Tomorrow, I will gather up my legions and invade France. I will kill any Frenchman that dares to get in my way"
Brutus says to a centurion " he talks a good war, but he's full of shit, he won't do it"
The following day Caeser rounds up his armies and sets off for France. Six months later, he's back.
"My beloved Romans I am pleased to announce that I have conquered France and in the process we have slain 50,000 Gauls."
A huge cheer goes up from the crowd.
" I can't believe it" says Brutus to the centurion. " I'm going to have to go and see this for myself"
Brutus hops onto a galley and sets sail for France. Two weeks later, he's back Just as Caeser is starting another of his speeches.
"My fellow countrymen..." Begins Caeser.
"You lying git" shouts Brutus
"I beg your pardon?" Says Caeser
" You said had conquered France and slain 50,000 Gauls, but in actual fact, you have only slain 25,000". Exclaimed Brutus.
"Ah, but you forget..." Says Caeser " In Europe, away Gauls count double !"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 10, 2020, 03:47:14 PM
On Wednesday afternoon, a fourth-grade teacher announces to her class, "Children, I'm going to ask you a question, and if anyone can answer it correctly, they can take tomorrow off from school." Of course, this gets the immediate and undivided attention of all the students. They lean forward in their chairs and listen intently.

"All right," says the teacher, "here is the question: How many grains of sand are there on the beach at the Oak Street beach?" Needless to say, none of the children knows the answer.

The following day, the teacher says, "If you can answer today's question correctly, you may take tomorrow off from school. The question is: How many drops of water are there in the Lake Michigan?"

The children sit in silence, frustrated by the second impossibly difficult question. Little Johnny, sitting in the back of the class, is particularly annoyed. "I'm gonna fix her,' he thinks. That night, he goes home and paints two golf balls black.

Friday, the teacher says, "Okay, here is today's question..." But before she can get it out, Johnny rolls the two painted golf balls to the front of the room. With a loud clatter, the golf balls hit the wall right below the blackboard.

Startled, the teacher looks around the room and says, "All right, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

"Eddie Murphy," Johnny replies. "I'll see ya Tuesday."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 11, 2020, 12:36:14 PM
There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the family planning office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method.” “That will work,” said the counselor, “but only if you keep a good record.”

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them”.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short pause, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going. They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was still slim and trim.

The counselor asked the first girl what went wrong with her method. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”'

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied,“The birth control pill, but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”

He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue
what the bucket and saucer method is.Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”

She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him”.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 11, 2020, 07:08:38 PM
QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?

"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are". 😂😂😂
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 14, 2020, 08:38:02 AM
An Alcoholic, a Sex Addict, and a Pothead all die and go to Hell:
Satan is waiting for them and tells all of them.
"I am in a good mood today, so I am going to let each one of you pick one thing you love from Earth and let you keep it here for 100 years and then I will return for the goods."
Satan first approaches the Alcoholic.
"What is it that you would like to have?"
To which the Alcoholic responds, "I want the Finest Brew, Wine, and Liquor you can get me."
Satan brings him to a room filled with every type of Beer On Tap, the Finest Aged Cellars of Wine and of course the Purest Grain Alcohol.
There is each type of Liquor you could possibly think of or never afford to even taste, a never ending supply of it all.
The man yells, "Whoo Hoo" in excitement and runs into the room.
Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it.
Satan then approaches the Sex Addict and asks, "What is it that you would like to have?"
To which the Sex Addict responds, "Women!
I want lots of Beautiful Women, one for each day of the year!"
Satan brings him to a room filled with only the most Gorgeous Women Imaginable.
All of the Women are Hot, Naked, and Very Horny.
The Sex Addict immediately gets a raging hard on and runs into the room.
Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.
Satan finally approaches the Pothead and asks, "What is it that you would like to have?"
To which the Pothead responds, "Well, that's easy!
I want the Best Pot you got."
Satan brings him to a room which is filled with the Tallest, Thickest, Stinkiest, most Dank Plants growing for acres.
The sweet smell from the Purest Plants fills this enormous room.
There were Crystals growing on some buds which grew 15 feet high, just begging to be harvested.
The quality of the bud would put the Cannabis Cup Winners to shame, in all categories.
It was beyond belief.
The Pothead was so awed and humbled by the sight of these beautiful plants, that he slowly walked into the room, he sat down Indian Style, with his legs crossed, took slow deep breathes, closed his eyes and proceeded to meditate on this miraculous sight.
Satan looked at him curiously, shut the door and locked it.
100 years pass.
Satan returns to the first room, remembering the Alcoholic, unlocks and opens the door.
There is broken Wine and Liquor Glass Bottles shattered everywhere.
The room smells like Rotting Animal Flesh and Piss.
The Alcoholic comes running at the door, naked, covered in his own vomit and shit, screaming, "Help, I don't want anymore.
Let me out of here!"
Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it.
Satan then returns to the second room, remembering the Sex Addict, unlocks and opens the door.
There are thousands of kids running around the room and babies crying madly making so much noise no one could hear their own scream.
Hundreds of very, very Old Ladies now limp around with no clothes on, still very Horny for the Sex Addict who attempts to run out the door as Satan watches.
Before the Sex Addict can utter a word of desperation, Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it.
Satan finally arrives at the third and final room, remembering the Pothead, unlocks, and opens the door.
After a quick look inside, Satan's evil grin turns to a look of confusion.
Nothing had changed.
The plants were untouched, just as Dank as the day he left them.
Even the Pothead was in the same position, sitting down with his legs crossed.
So Satan walks up behind the Pothead, taps him on his shoulder and says, "What's wrong?"
A tear rolls down the Pothead's cheek as he turns to Satan and simply replies, "Got a light, man?"
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 14, 2020, 09:59:06 AM
An elderly nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them, to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked,
"Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, " 'Cause his mum's here with his lunch."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 15, 2020, 01:49:47 PM
My wife and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 18, 2020, 05:45:48 PM
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic bin bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the path.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "lady, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays." Said the little old lady.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 20, 2020, 08:28:59 AM
A tourist and his trail guide were walking along a path when all of a sudden the guide runs up the hillside to a cave, yells “Wooo wooo,” listens for a moment, and goes charging into the cave, stripping off his clothes on the run. He returns in about 15 minutes. The same scenario occurs again, after which the tourist asks about this strange behavior.

The guide explains that if one of the young ladies of his town is in an amorous mood, she goes into a dark cave. If she hears “Wooo wooo,” she responds “Wooo wooo” to signal that she is ready and willing. No one knows who is who and everyone is happy.

The tourist is amazed and asks if he might partake in this local custom at the next cave. The guide doesn’t see any problem with this. At the next cave the tourist runs to the entrance and calls out “Wooo wooo.” To his delight, he hears a sonorous and enticing “Wooo wooo” sung back to him from the recesses of the cave. He takes off his clothes, rushes headlong into the cave, and gets run over by a train.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: Eagle 3 on January 20, 2020, 02:54:44 PM
I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 24, 2020, 06:23:59 PM
Lawyers should never ask a Texan grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: dam12641 on January 24, 2020, 06:35:58 PM
That is pure quality Jivvy.  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 24, 2020, 07:34:18 PM
An old crofter was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he got got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

His favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, he noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all!

he went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to his amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

He was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county show ... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...

The judges not only awarded Brewster the
No Bell Peace Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 24, 2020, 07:53:56 PM
A young Mick Jagger goes on holiday to Transylvania. Arriving late at Castle Bran the home of none other than Dracula. Its late and he lifts the heavy door knocker, the result being a resounding bang that reverberates throughout the Castle.
Mick hears bolts being drawn back and the doors slowly open with a spine chilling creak. Mick looks into the gloom and sees the tall, slender figure of Count Dracula himself. Ahhh Mr Jagger i am so pleased to meet you, but i am sorry you cannot come in.
Well says young Mick I've traveled a long way to meet you can you please explain why that is.
Because, answers the Count, his blood red eyes glinting in the moonlight, because, BECAUSE you cannot get blood out of a Stone.


Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 25, 2020, 08:16:09 AM
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 25, 2020, 10:16:27 AM
Dave checked into a swanky Hotel in Leicester Square and suddenly felt a little bit lonely. He thought, I'm gonna call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. He picked up the phone book and found an ad for a beautiful girl calling herself Erogonique, she was lovely…and bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, long Blonde hair, and long graceful legs.....
Dave thought, what the hell, I’m going to give her a call.
"Hello," the woman said. Good god, she sounded really sexy thought Dave.
Afraid he would lose his nerve if he hesitated Dave rushed straight in. "Hi, my names Dave, and I see you give a great massage and I'd like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait…I should be straight with you. I'm in the City all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic Dave," she calmly replied, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line.…”
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 26, 2020, 06:23:19 PM
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a
Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a
while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down
to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the
nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming
he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be
bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its
stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.

(It's nice to see a blonde winning...once in awhile.)
Title: Re: Joke of the Day
Post by: jivvy on January 26, 2020, 09:11:17 PM
Man walks into a pub and asks the barmaid for a packet of Helicopter crisps. She pulls a puzzled look and says "We got cheese and onion, smokey bacon and salt and vinegar crisps"

"No, I want Helicopter Crisps" replies the man

So, the barmaid asks the manager if they have Helicopter crisps. "Don't be daft. I'll sort this out!" he says.

He asks the customer again in a strong voice "What crisps do you want?"

"Helicopter crisps!" replies the customer firmly.

"Look, for the last time we don't have any helicopter crisps!!!

The customer just shrugged his shoulders and replied "In that case, I'll have plane."