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Whilst I work on fixing whatever has broken....


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MAN RULES

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
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1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
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1. NO CRYING, CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
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1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
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SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
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1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
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1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
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1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
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1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
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1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
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1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
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1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
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1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
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1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
`
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
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1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
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1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
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1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
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1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
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1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
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1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
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1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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IF MEN WROTE ADVISE COLUMN'S.

Q. My husband continually asks me to give him oral sex.
A. Do it semen helps you lose weight and gives your skin a healthy glow. Interestingly men know this, his offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless and shows how much he loves you. The best thing to do is do it twice a day and then cook him a nice meal.
~~~~~
Q. My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A. Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help, you may want to videotape this and present it as a gift to your husband on his birthday to ease your guilt you could then give him oral sex and cook him a delicious meal .
~~~~~
Q. My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A. This is perfectly natural behaviour and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and needs to show his prowess to other men a night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more relaxed and peaceful home•
~~~~~
Q. My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A. Obviously your husband cant get enough of you ! Knowing there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing- your best friend. Far from this being an issue this can bring you closer together .why not get some of your old college friends involved. If your apprehensive perhaps you should let him be with your friend's without you if your not sure then just give him oral sex and cook him his favorite meal while you think it over . Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (Its a great time to clean the house too) your so lucky your man sounds like a one in a million
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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The Pope was having a shower.
Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist',
and this happened to be one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.
'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'
'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'
So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of
2,000,000 Euros.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.
Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did
it cost you?'
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'
'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They must have seen you coming!'
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into some quicksand and began to sink. Scared for is life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life. Back in the quicksand, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink, crying out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, then walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite,"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in." However, the bloke on the next table said, "My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died."
If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"
He said, "No; he choked on a sock."
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood
pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch! 😈
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Trials Of Life (1)

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
~
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
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I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
~
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?
My doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes,"says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fawl off by itself.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Elton John and his partner David Furnish had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

After the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into the maternity ward. A dozen babies were lying in their cribs, and eleven of them were crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying quietly, smiling. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful..??" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love...!!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...."
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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 ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his Penis erect.

After a complete exam the Doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied:

"I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another Roll up my Arse.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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 We had the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire suburb.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger CRT had, made for 26 kms of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Bunnings 6hp mower.. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.

I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence-wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a truck battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ.

Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.

I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Scrubby Creek bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of fuel.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'.

But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.......So here I am in the middle of January, 38 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.

God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of petrol.

It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee and vomit when all mixed together, does not smell as bad a you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a demon now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the Fence I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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 ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those winkers at Jewsons deliver the flipping bricks on time.'
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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SCHOOLS - 1950s vs 2019

Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2019 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1950s - Robbie sent to headmaster and given six of the best.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2019 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD –
result deemed to be positive.
Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in a neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a good hiding

1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2019 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.

2019 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.

1950s - Wasps die.

2019 - Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism,
investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1950s - In a couple of minutes, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.

2019 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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A young boy, about eight years old, was at Tescos picking out a pretty good size box of washing powder. An assistant walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In
fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even then the assistant still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The assistant asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The assistant, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that washing powder on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a pint.
'This is a special day for me said the farmer.
I am celebrating.'
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman next to him.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Not a joke, just reminiscing
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates