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An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln

There, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to York , Durham and Liverpool

In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving the N of England decided to travel to Scotland to see if the Scots had the same phone.

He arrived in Glasgow, and again, as he entered the cathedral , there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Reverend, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50pence here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son .... it's a local call.'
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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 ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Bob Hope one liners

May God smile on you today - Bob Hope

On his deathbed they asked him where he wanted to be buried.

Bob Hope replied: "Surprise me."

I had forgotten that he lived to be 100, and also didn't realize it has been over 1 5 years since he died.

For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your grandparents and thanks for the memories.

This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference

ON TURNING 70 - "I still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80 - "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”

ON TURNING 90 - "You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 - " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER (BOXING) - "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."

ON GOLF - "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS - "I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER - "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL - "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY - "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS - "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES - "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN - "I have done benefits for ALL religions. I would hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Dear Lord -
Please give me a sense of humor,
give me the grace to see a joke,
to get some humor out of life,
and pass it on to other folk.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, keep one hand on your wallet and don't worry about tomorrow..
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------
A guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
------------------------------ -------
One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
"Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said..."Where?"

They walk among us!

------------------------------ ----------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for some time. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------ --------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
When we overheard an admin girl talking about the
Sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
She "didn't think she'd get sunburned
Because the car was moving."

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------ ------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
Which is designed to cut through a seat belt
If she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.


They Walk Among Us!

------------------------------ -------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
Because she was a trained professional and
Said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------ ------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man
Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
Into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
Then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the United States House of Representatives)happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble.. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, they walk among us! And, MORE sadly, hold high offices!!!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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THIS IS WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?

Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.

'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'

'Yes, that's right,' I told her.

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cottonwool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY,GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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An old guy meets an old woman at a retirement community in Florida. They like each other, and the woman suggests that they should start living together. The guy says sure.

“But first I have two questions.” She says. “First, how are you doing financially?”

“I’m doing well. I have a pension, and investments.”

“Good. Next, what’s the sex thing like with you?”

He was a little embarrassed and said, “Infrequently.”

She asked, “ Is that one or two words?”
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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3 gay men are sitting in a hot tub when one notices semen floating on top of the water,  giggles and says.....

Ok bitches, who farted?
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are all working on a construction site, building a new skyscraper in London. It's lunchtime and they're all sat atop the building. Englishman opens up his lunchbox to see what his wife has packed him.
"Ugh... Ham and cheese sandwich... again. Im flipping sick of ham and cheese sandwiches, it's the same every bloody day. If I get another ham and cheese sandwich in my lunch box tomorrow I'm jumping off the top of this building."
Next, the Scotsman opens up his lunch box.
"Aackk, jam sandwich... again. I cannee go on like this eating jam sandwiches every day of me life! If I get the same again tomorrow I'm jumping as well."
Next it's the Irishman's turn.
"Ohh for fecks sake! Not another egg and cress sandwich! That's the fourth one in a row this week! I'm with you boys, one more egg and cress sandwich and I'm jumping!"
So next day they sit at the top of the building to have lunch. One by one they open up their lunch boxes... Englishman finds another ham and cheese sandwich, so off he jumps, and splats into the ground below. Scotsman finds another jam sandwich... Off he goes...Splat. Irishman, egg and cress sandwich... Splat.
A week or so later later the three widows are talking at the memorial service. English widow says, through tears, "I still can't believe it, had no idea George hated ham and cheese so much, if only i'd known..."
Scottish widow says "Duncan did say he was getting a bit bored of Jam, but I didn't realise he hated it that much, I just wish he'd have let me know how he really felt."
Irish widow says "I... I just don't understand... Paddy packed his own lunch."
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now, and take your mates with you'

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me,
I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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An old Native American was the only member of the tribe that was allowed to name new babies.
One day a young brave asked him how he came up with the names.
He said, my son, when I see snow gently falling I will name the baby, Snow Gently Falling.
When I see a hawk flying high, I will name the baby Hawk Flying High.
But tell me Two Dogs Shagging, why do you ask?
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Share away and don't shoot the messenger
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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A Golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital.
Just before he was put under, the Surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news."
The Surgeon tells him.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
“Oh God no," the man cries.
"My Golfing is over.
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it Doc, as long as I can play Golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the Golf Course when he bumped into the Surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" The surgeon asks.
"Just great," the Golfer replies.
"I'm playing the best Golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my Putting has really improved."
“That's great."
"Not only that, My handwriting has improved, learned how to sew my own clothes and even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"That’s unbelievable, I'm glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two really," the Golfer told him.
"I have trouble Parallel Parking and every time I have an erection I get a headache!"
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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 ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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 ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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As a man, I used to think I was pretty much just a regular person, but I was born white, into a two-parent household which now, whether I like it or not, makes me "Privileged", a racist & responsible for slavery.
I am a fiscal & moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist because I plan, budget & support myself and my family.
I went to Secondary School & have always held a job. I now find out that I am not here because I earned it, but because I was "advantaged”.
I am heterosexual, which now makes me homophobic. I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as an infidel.
I am older than 50, making me a useless eater who doesn't understand Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat.
I think & I reason, and I doubt much of what "mainstream" media tells me, which makes me a "Right-wing conspiracy nut”.
I am proud of my heritage & our inclusive British culture, making me a xenophobe.
I believe in hard work, fair play, & fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe our system guarantees freedom of effort - not freedom of outcome or subsidies which makes me a borderline sociopath.
I believe in the defence & protection of Great Britain for & by all citizens, now making me a militant.
I am proud of our flag, what it stands for and the many who died to let it fly, so I must be an imperialist and a racist.
Please help me come to terms with the new me because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!
Funny - it all took place over the last 10 years or so!!
If all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with, now I don't even know which toilet to use !!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Back in the days of tanners and bobs.
When Mothers had patience and Fathers had jobs.
When football team families wore hand me down shoes and T.V gave only two channels to choose.

Back in the days of threepenny bits.
when schools employed nurses to search for your nits.
When snowballs were harmless; ice slides were permitted and all of your jumpers were warm and hand knitted.

Back in the days of hot ginger beers,
when children remained so for more than six years.
When children respected what older folks said and pot was a thing you kept under your bed.

Back in the days of Listen with Mother.
when neighbours were friendly and talked to each other.
When cars were so rare you could play in the street.
When Doctors made house calls and Police walked the beat.

Back in the days of Milligan’s Goons.
when butter was butter and songs all had tunes.
It was dumplings for dinner and trifle for tea,
and your annual break was a day by the sea.

Back in the days of Dixon’s Dock Green.
Crackerjack pens and Lyons ice cream.
When children could freely wear National Health glasses and teachers all stood at the FRONT of their classes.

Back in the days of rocking and reeling,
when mobiles were things that you hung from the ceiling.
When woodwork and pottery got taught in schools and everyone dreamt of a win on the pools.

Back in the days when I was a lad,
I can’t help but smile for the fun that I had.
Hopscotch and roller skates; snowballs to lob.
Back in the days of tanners and bobs.😀❤️
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates