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Offline jivvy

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I once dated a lady police officer named Tina.

She was a Sergeant.

I stopped at her place one night, and in the morning she asked me if I wanted a cooked breakfast.

I said, "Don't fry for me Sergeant Tina"  ;D ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Offline jivvy

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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder and still, nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello,! ...You need to roll up the windows first.'..
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Offline jivvy

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Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?”

Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Offline jivvy

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Whether Conservative, Brexit, UKIP, Green, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says,
'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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Warning. May contain nuts!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring ,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten .

I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request .

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...

'You want ... Garlic Chicken wif flide lice..???😂
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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 ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you, grandpa?" he asks. “Feeling fine," says the old man. “What's the food like?" “Terrific, wonderful menus." “And the nursing?" “Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." “What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?" “No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" “Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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I recently stole this

To My Knowledge There has been only Eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use:
11. What the fuck do you mean we're sinking? - Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
9. Where did all these flipping Indians come from? - Custer, 1877
8. Any flipping idiot could understand that. - Einstein, 1938
7. It does flipping look like her! - Picasso, 1926
6. How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5 You want WHAT on the flipping ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566 .
4 Scattered flipping showers, my arse! - Noah, 4314 BC
3 Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out? - Bill Clinton, 1999
2. Geez, I didn't think they'd get this flipping mad. - Saddam Hussein, 2003
1 I Must get that flipping handrail fixed. - Robert Maxwell, 1991
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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I've finally convinced my fat cow of a wife to start eating 3 square meals a day.
All I need to find now, is a local supplier of hay bales.

Ahh well
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.

He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie"

As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked.

The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Is there something else you would like..?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?"

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that frigging dog" !!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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I was sat in the George & Dragon  enjoying my own company. I took a sip of my drink and looked over to the other end of the bar. I saw a woman looking back at me.

She was wearing a Wonder Woman costume, with lots of flesh on show. We looked each other up and down, and both gave a knowing smile. I noticed she was drinking Budweiser like me, so I called the barman over.

"Same again for me, and another for the pretty lady over there."

He said, "That's a mirror, you pisshead, and the rest of the stag do left an hour ago."
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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 ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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I noticed this - NOT a Mr Bean fan but with the rain coming down - I watched it and had a few chuckles. Bean's date was the gorgeous Tracey -  :o  and of course, the much missed Cilla.

When the boys were young on Saturdays we used to watch 'Blind Date' followed by 'Gladiators' - all good fun. But how the World has changed since those 'innocent' times . . .

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLNhVC296YI" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLNhVC296YI</a>
« Last Edit: August 05, 2019, 11:25:54 AM by Roger »
''If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough'' - Albert Einstein


Offline jivvy

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Leroy was waking along the beach in Jamaica when he saw an old lamp half buried in the sand. He picked it up and thought ‘Man, dis is like de tree wishes me heared about.’ He rubbed the lamp, and sure enough a genie appeared.

The genie spoke ‘Master, you have three wishes, but choose carefully for they cannot be undone.’

Leroy said ‘ No sweat ma man. For me first wish me’s wantin’ five million Jarmaykun dollars. ’

There was a puff of smoke and a case appeared at Leroy’s feet. He opened it and peeked inside. “Rude boy, dat’s enough bread for life.‘

He looked up at the genie ‘ Yo G, mah man, for me second wish me wants a Bugatti Veyron,…innit Me seen one on de telly, it’s one handsome car. ’

Another puff of smoke and the Bugatti appeared on the sand. Leroy said ‘Boyakasha!! Respect G. You da man.’

The genie asked ‘What is your last wish Master?’

Leroy thought long and hard and finally said “G. Me wants to be white and surrounded by pussy.’

The genie turned Leroy into a tampon
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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I asked this Thai lady for the phone number for her store. She said sex sex sex free sex tonight.  :o Then I realized she meant 666-3629.  :(
I am sofa king we todd did.


Offline jivvy

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A PREDICTION

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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Donald Trump is getting his daily briefing.

Last on the List: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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 ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates