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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and.....(pause)...... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them."
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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My grandmother has always been such an inspiration to me.
She has crippling arthritis making it impossible to turn her neck,
suffers from unexpected blackouts,
she is too weak to lift a mug of tea from a table,
permanently has the shakes,
has cataracts in both eyes preventing her from seeing her hand in front of her face,
has violent fits,
suffers from incontinence and is prescribed treatment which induces nausea and dizziness.
Despite all that she turned to me this morning and said ....
"Always look on the bright side son .... At least I can still drive!!!"
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott decided they were going to try to get Labour to appeal to middle class England. So, they dressed in tweed and suede got themselves a gun-dog and marched into a country pub somewhere in Middle England. They each ordered a pint of ale and waited for people to address them. One after the other people came in and lifted the dogs tail and walked away looking confused. Corbyn decided to ask the next one what he was doing. So when the next man approached and lifted the tail Corbyn said “ excuse me but why are so many people coming in here and lifting this dogs tail” , “Because” the man replied “ we was told that there was a dog with two arseholes in here”
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away...

She said, “But we don't know anything about each other”...

He said, “That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along”...

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort...

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife...

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel...

She said, “That was incredible!”...

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along”...

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths...

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath...

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”...

“No”, she said, “I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey”...
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Caught my willy in my zipper today.
Thats the last time I buy zip on boots.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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One evening, after the honeymoon, Mark was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time.
And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment...
"And what's the use of that vintage hot rod?
Mark got a horrified look on his face.
She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Mark replied ......

"I wasn't..
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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 ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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In response to all recent e-mails about our dog:

Please be advised, we are sick and tired of answering questions about him.

Yes, he bit two people wearing burkas,

Ten people wearing turbans,

Twenty people wearing Jeremy Corbyn t-shirts,

Two car drivers with rap music blaring from their vehicles,

Four Jehovah's Witnesses,

Two Mormons,

Nine teenagers with jogging pants hanging past their bum cracks,

Three Muslims and a Pakistani taxi driver.

But, for the last time please note. . .

THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home in Ireland were turning one hundred years old....

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year-old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing, but the other could hear quite well.

When the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa....

The deaf sister said to her twin,

"WHAT DID HE SAY"...?

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman....

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY"...?

"HE SAID WE GOTTA SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other...

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY"...?

"HE SAID HE'S GONNA FOCUS"....

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,

"OH MY GOODNESS - BOTH OF US"...?
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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A little boy is waiting for his mam to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
‘Get your hand out of there!’ she shouts. ‘Don't you know that women have teeth down there?’
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says ‘you know, you could go a little further if you want.’
‘What do you mean?’ he asks.
‘Well, why don't you put your hand down there?’ she says, pointing to her crotch.
‘Hell no,’ he cries, ‘you've got teeth down there.’
‘Don't be ridiculous,’ she responds, ‘there's no teeth there.’
‘Yes there are,’ he says, ‘my mom told me so.’
‘No there aren't,’ she insists. ‘Here, look for yourself.’ With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.’
‘No I'm sorry’ he says. ‘My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.’
‘Oh for Christ's sake!’ she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, ‘Look, I don't have any teeth down there.’
The boy takes a good long look, then replies: ‘Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised.’
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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 A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles..."

😉
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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A blonde city girl marries a rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to her, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. She takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on....”
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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A nun goes to Mother Superior to tell her that she has used a swear word.
Mother Superior asks her to tell her story.

Nun "As you know I play golf and teed off yesterday with a perfect drive on a par 3, almost guaranteed to reach the green, but the ball hit a low flying pigeon about ten yards in front of me"
MS "and that's when you swore?"
Nun "no, when the ball dropped a squirrel picked it up and ran off with it"
MS "and that's when you swore?"
Nun "no, just as I was about to lose sight of it, an eagle swooped down and plucked the squirrel off the fairway and flew off with it"
MS "and you swore then?"
Nun "no, as it flew away it dropped the squirrel which dropped the ball and that bounced off a boulder onto the green and settled six inches from the flag"
MS "you missed the flipping putt didn't you?"
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Bill has married his childhood sweetheart, timid Tanya,
But Tanya is so timid she has never seen a mans wedding tackle and vowed to stay a virgin till her wedding night.
now Bill on the other hand has seen some action in the past and its rumored that he is quite large. Tanya has heard this and when they get to the bedroom she asks Bill if, to calm her nerves, he stands the other side of the door and shows her bit by bit.
Bill agrees and pokes one inch past the door.
Tanya has a panic attack but calms down so Bill pokes another inch past the door and she gets all flustered but calms down.
 'is everything ok'? says Bill 'yes' says Tanya. 'you can show me some more now'
'ok' says Bill 'im coming up the stairs now then'
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


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Comedy Gold this Guy
« Last Edit: September 05, 2019, 06:17:18 PM by jivvy »
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y"ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there"s a wee bar called McTavish"s. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that"s nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there"s O"Driscoll"s Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they"ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you"ve had enough drinks, they"ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates