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Offline jivvy

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An elderly man is sitting alone at a bar. It starts to get late and the bartender says,

-“Sorry pal, last call.”

Upon hearing this, the man pays his bill and turns to look at the door. As he begins to stand up, he suddenly falls and lands face first.

-“I must have had more than I thought.” He thinks to himself.

Looking at the door he thinks “If I can just make it there, a bit of fresh air will have me good as new.”

So the old man crawls to the door and props himself up, he takes a breath and as he begins to step, he again falls flat on his face.

Luckily, he only lived a block from the bar.

-“If I can just make it home, I’ll be just fine”

So the old man proceeds to crawl to his house. When he reaches the door, he again props himself up. As he is about to take a step, he once again falls flat on his face.

-“This just isn’t my night,” thought the old man. “I’ll just crawl into bed and call it quits.”

So the old man crawls up the stairs and into his bed where he immediately passes out.

As morning comes, he is rudely awoken by his wife.

-“You were pissed last night?” She asked angrily.

-“How’d you know?” He asks.

-“Well’ she answered ‘you left your bloody wheelchair at the pub again.”
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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The Doctor's Clinic

One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks, "Tell me, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies, "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning, I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was opened. I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony, I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy. That was how I strained my back.

"Later that day, a second patient arrives and he appears he had been in a car wreck.

The doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible! What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and I was late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it! I was hit by a fridge! I don't know how the fridge fell on me, or where it came from!

"Before closing hours, the third patient came in. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asked, "What in the hell happened to you?!

" The patient replies, "Well, It started like this; "I was in a fridge..."
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'🤣
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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Why don't witches wear any underwear?
To get a better grip on the broom.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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Johnny," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a shit, sir," says Johnny.
"Oh," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a bricklayer," says Johnny.
The teacher thinks, hmm, working class, what else can you expect?
"Bobby," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a shit, sir," says Bobby.
"Hmm," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a joiner," says Johnny.
The teacher sees this as confirming his suspicions about the lack of linguistic skills among working class children.
"Freddy," he says. "What does your father do for a living?"
"He's a lawyer, sir" says Freddy.
"And what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He reads The Times, sir," says Freddy.
"Interesting," says the teacher, "and how much time does he spend reading the paper?"
"Not long," says Freddy, "just until he's finished taking a shit."
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Online Roger

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I enjoyed this DT cartoon at the expense of the UK Labour Party   ::)
Hope you do . . . . .

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/
''If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough'' - Albert Einstein


Offline jivvy

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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always
run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.. just when it's raining.'😜😂
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!!.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class,

'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence

and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

Ralphy?

He replies,

'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

Then the teacher says,

" the correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

And Little Ralphy comes back with:

'I have a question for you, Miss.

There are 2 women sitting on a bench eating ice creams.

One is delicately licking the sides of her triple scoop.

The other is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing, replies,

'Well, I suppose the one who's gobbling and sucking.

To which Little Ralphy retorts,

'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,

but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little Ralphy arrives home from school.

He says 'I got an F in arithmetic.'

'Why?' asks his dad?

Well, the teacher asked me

'How much is 2 times 3,''

I said '6'.

'Yair, that's right!' says his dad.

'But then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the flipping difference?' says dad.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

The teacher says,

'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class...

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Ralphy pipes up with:

'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says,

'Wow, Ralphy, that's a mouthful.'

'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during a grammar lesson ,

the teacher asked for a show of hands from those

who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie.'

Ralphy?

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said

'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little Ralphy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th, a man on the opposite bench said,

'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.

It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

So Little Ralphy replied,

'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked,

'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

'No, he minded his own f....... business.

(Dontcha luv Little Ralphy?)
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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19 hrs ·

The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale, near Richmond.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a 'I Love Man U T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Manchester United T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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 ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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 ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?' The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam '.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As i approached the receptionist's desk, noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Me ,a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, i recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!😞😂
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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 Blackadder...

Baldrick: "What I want to know, sir, is before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. Now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. Now, what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs?"

Blackadder:"Baldrick ,do you mean, how did the Euro start?

Baldrick: “Yes sir.”

Blackadder: “Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980’s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation where financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises.”

Baldrick: “But there is a sort of a crisis, isn’t it sir?”

Blackadder: “That’s right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan.”

Baldrick: “What was that then sir?”

Blackadder: “It was bollocks.”lol
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates