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Offline jivvy

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A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Aussie Bricklayer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them:

The Aussie fumed. "What's with those buggers? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in. "I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!"

The Chinese Businessman called out. "Move it. Time is money!"

The Catholic Priest said. "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George." Said the Catholic Priest. "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens keeper replied. "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest was the first to speak and said. "That's so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said. "Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Businessman replied. "I'm writing a cheque at this very moment. $50,000 to these brave souls."

The Aussie Bricklayer said. "Why can't the buggers play at night?" 😂😂
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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How Fights Start with Wife:

My son asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from."

I replied. "'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

And then the fight started...

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini." He replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

And then the fight started...

My wife asked me if I believed in religion.

I said. "Not until I married you."

The wife said. "Why."

I said. "Now I believe in Hell."

And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked. "What's on TV?"

I said. "Dust."

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said. "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said. "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said. "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said. 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked. "Do you know her?"

"Yes." I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God." Says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said. "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband. "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies. "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

and then the fight started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man. "Holy crap. That must be my husband!"

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman. "I AM your husband!"

The woman yelled back. "Yeah, then why were you running?"

And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered. "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied. "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started ...

I asked my wife. "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said.

So I suggested. "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said. "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said. "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying. "Yes."

So I said. "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass. I said. "You might as well sweep the driveway."

and then the fight started...
7
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together:

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies. "No!"
Johnny asks. "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies. "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom. "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies. "No!"
Johnny says. "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies. "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again. "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says. "No!"
He asks. "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies. "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says. "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue!"....
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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An Alabama preacher said to his flock, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke:

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman

sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'

..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply

to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her

and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,

a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,

a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami,

and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.
 Just send the wine back.'😂
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river Thames in London.........
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it"......''Well,' said the big Croc, What have you been eating"...?
"Politicians, same as you", replied the small Croc, 'And I can tell you how I catch them in the car park next to Parliament.....
I crawl up under one of their posh cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase....
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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One day a florist in Edinburgh went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he sked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thankyou' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of the Scottish Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of the Scottish Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of the Scottish Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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A handful of 7 year old children were asked "What they thought of beer."

Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching:

"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets."

--Tim, 7 years old

"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."

--Melanie, 7 years old

"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."

--Grady, 7 years old

"'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."

--Toby, 7 years old

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

--Sarah, 7 years old

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool."

--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."

--Ethan, 7 years old

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep. "

--Shirley, 7 years old

"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."

--Jack, 7 years old. 😂
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.
To calm the situation, Jesus said: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.”
Suddenly an old woman at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot. Jesus looked at the old lady and said: “Mother, sometimes you are a real flipping embarrassment.”
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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copied this from another site.....

LMFAO!!!!!
Proof that the world is nuts, a rerun but still funny

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must
be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by
death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.

He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to
undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or
piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation!

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young
virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even
comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be
killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter
at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:

Prophylactics may be
dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are
sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well,.... not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over
on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet...

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts...

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl...

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile...

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method"...

"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record"...

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said..

Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work...

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going...

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet...

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby"...

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby"...

He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucketl and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you"...?

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him"
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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 ;D
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”

God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates


Offline jivvy

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 A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it’s a gay bar:

"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

"The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking."

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says.....
"So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" 😂
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates