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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 33873 times)

1 Member and 9 Guests are viewing this topic.

Derek

  • Guest
Joke of The Day
« on: May 03, 2011, 10:43:56 AM »

How do we expect kids to listen to their parents? Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 miles an hour, Sleeping Beauty is lazy and Snow White lives with 7 guys! We shouldn't be surprised when kids misbehave. They get it from their story books.
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brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2011, 08:03:35 PM »

A tour bus driver is taking a lot of O.A.P.s on a trip, when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady who offers him a handful of peanuts.He gratefully accepts and munches away . 15 minutes later she taps him on the shoulder again and gives him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to offer him for the third time,he asks why she doesnt eat them herself. She replied that herself and her friend cannot chew them as they had no teeth, but they loved the chocolate around them.
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brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2011, 08:05:20 PM »

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
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brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2011, 08:11:03 PM »

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
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brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2011, 08:14:18 PM »

Kate Middleton. The first thing to squeeze into Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.
Who said that?
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Thaiphoon

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2011, 11:29:32 PM »

Now that's a Good One  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Thaiphoon

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2011, 12:27:08 PM »

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.



‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”



I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.



“And what do you deduce from that?”



Watson ponders for a minute.



“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.



“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”



Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”


 ;D
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brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2011, 01:33:05 PM »

I'm in trouble with the wife as per.
We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently "Identify it" wasnt the right answer.






[attachment deleted by admin]
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Thaiphoon

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2011, 04:17:40 PM »

Mental Health Hotline

                                                              Hello, welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are:-

Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.

Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.


If you have:

Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the # Button until a representative comes on the line.

Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmothers' maiden names.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy



Thank You
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Derek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #9 on: May 25, 2011, 08:09:12 AM »

During the night of the Great British Beer Festival in London, a group of brewery presidents decide to go out for a beer together.

The president of Corona sits down and orders a drink. He says: “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then the Budweiser president orders his drink: “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me “The king Of Beer,” a Budweiser.” The Bartender gives him one.

Next the Coors president says: “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” The bartender fetches one.

Finally, the Guinness boss sits down and says: “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask: “Why aren’t drinking a Guinness?

The Guinness president replies: “Well I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.”
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brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2011, 08:47:22 PM »

Same as a joke i know.





indian boy ask his dadm how come we have such funny name?
He say, if baby born on day of earth quake, we call him shaky groud.
If he born on day of heavy storm, we call him thunder cloud, anyway, why you ask this question broken rubber?
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Derek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2011, 07:39:26 AM »

Acronyms for oldies

BTW - bring the wheelchair.
FWIW - forgot where I was.
IMHO - is my hearing aid on?
LMDO - laughing my dentures off
TTYL -talk to you louder!
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Derek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #12 on: June 11, 2011, 02:17:19 PM »

A man walks in to a doctors office with a frog on his head.

The doctor jumps up and says: "Good grief, how on earth did you get that great ugly thing!"

The frog looks down and replies: "I dunno Doc, it started out as a little wart on my my bottom!"
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Thaiphoon

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #13 on: June 16, 2011, 07:27:20 AM »

Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo...
They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by....
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called....he hasn't written....
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Derek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #14 on: June 19, 2011, 12:42:54 AM »

A man owned a small farm in North Carolina. The North Carolina Wage Office and Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an agent out to investigate.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to… the half-wit,” says the Agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer.  ;D
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brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #15 on: June 19, 2011, 06:50:33 AM »

A man owned a small farm in North Carolina. The North Carolina Wage Office and Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an agent out to investigate.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to… the half-wit,” says the Agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer.  ;D

555
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brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #16 on: June 22, 2011, 05:50:15 PM »

Did i make mention that i took a sicky today (coz i am crook as a dog)? Or are you Psychic? Or purely coincidental?
Come to think of it, how sick are dogs?
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Thaiphoon

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #17 on: June 22, 2011, 05:56:20 PM »

Brett , you should never underestimate the powers of some one from the planet , Thaiphoonia  ;D
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brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #18 on: June 23, 2011, 03:57:40 AM »

555 Not sure of his name off the top of my head, but that guy is funny in the fat boy slim film clip
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Derek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #19 on: June 25, 2011, 05:19:29 PM »

What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?
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