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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 36141 times)

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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1580 on: January 06, 2019, 06:18:33 PM »


My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while

Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1581 on: January 07, 2019, 08:44:37 AM »


A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.

He asked for help and she could see why. She tried pulling and pushing, but the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1582 on: January 07, 2019, 08:47:19 PM »

 ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1583 on: January 09, 2019, 10:45:16 AM »

INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY 😂😂😂😂

Naan, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had Lime Pickle Now He's Dead
Naan, Dinner's Just Begun
But Now I'm Gonna Crap it All Away
Nann, ohhhh ohhhhhh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen Nothing Yet Just See the Loo Tomorrow
Curry On, Curry On
Cause Nothing Really Madras

Too Late,
My Dinners Gone
Sends Shivers Down my Spine
Rectum Aching All the Time
Goodbye Onion Bhaji,
I've got to go
Gotta Leave You All Behind And Use the Loo
Nann, Ohhhhh Ohhhhh
The Doopiaza is so Mild
I Sometimes Wish We'd Never Come Here at All

Guitar Solo (Or banjo depending on who you are!)

I See a Little Chicken Tikka on the Side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh,
Pass the Chutney Made of Mango
Vindaloo Does Nicely
Very Very Spicy
Meat
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a Nann
(A Vindaloo loo loo loo)

I've Eaten Balti, Somebody Help me
He's Eaten Balti, Get Him to the Lava-try
Stand you Well Back
Cause the Loo is Quarantined...
Here it Comes
There it Goes
Technicolour Yawn
I Chunder
NO!
It's Coming up Again
(There he Goes)
I Chund-Its Coming back Again (There he Goes)
Coming Back Again (Up Again)
Here it Goes Again
(No, No, No, No, No, No NO)
On my Knee's Im on my Knees
On his Knees, Oh, There he Goes
This Vindaloo
Its About to Wreck my Guts
Poor Me.... Poor Me..... Poor Meeee....

Guitar Solo

So you Think you can Chunder and Feel Alright?
So you try to eat Curry and Drink Beer all Night?
Oh Maybe, But now you Puke Like a Baby
Just had to Come out
It Just had to Come Right out in Here
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1584 on: January 11, 2019, 02:51:57 PM »

 ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1585 on: January 11, 2019, 09:40:26 PM »


What has 42 teeth and can hold back a monster?..........my zip
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ken kenobie

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1586 on: January 12, 2019, 11:27:56 AM »

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Kev

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1587 on: January 12, 2019, 02:28:45 PM »

LOL
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1588 on: January 13, 2019, 08:58:22 AM »


A lady walked into a Police Station in Melbourne, Australia, the ??Desk Sergeant said, "Can I help you ?”
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened ?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me."
"Could you give me a description of him ?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.
"Yes," said the lady, "He was an." Australian Cricketer
"That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent ?"
"No," she replied. "He wasn't in for very long."😉
1
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1589 on: January 13, 2019, 09:03:23 AM »


One evening Paddy and Murphy are sitting in the pub getting drunk. Paddy turns to Murphy and asks, "When do you suppose those new girls who moved in opposite us will let us shag them
Murphy says, "Don`t, but I'm drunk enough to go ask em!"
So off they go to the flat where Paddy knocks on the door. Aileen answers and says, “ Well, Murphy and Paddy, come on in!"
Paddy no more than gets in the door when he says, “ We just come to find out when you girls are have sex with us
Aileen just throws them both out, slamming the door on them. Paddy knocks on the door again.
Aileen says “Paddy if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole."
So Paddy bends to the keyhole and asks, “When you girls gonna have sex us?"
She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and farts
As Paddy is backing up and shaking his head, Murphy asks, “Well Paddy, What did she say?"
Paddy says, “Well, I think she said FFFFfffffrrriiddaay, but her breath is so bad I'm not askin' again.”
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1590 on: January 13, 2019, 09:23:17 PM »


Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".
Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back"
Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"
"How much?" asked Paddy.
"Three quid." replied the salesperson.
"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"
The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock!!
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1591 on: January 14, 2019, 07:55:14 PM »

 ???
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1592 on: January 17, 2019, 04:44:48 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1593 on: January 18, 2019, 05:01:47 PM »

 ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1594 on: January 18, 2019, 07:51:58 PM »

 ;D
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1595 on: January 19, 2019, 10:36:29 PM »


One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, "My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!"

Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel.

The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.

"Thank you!" the mother cried. "Tell me, are you a doctor?"

"No," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."
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ken kenobie

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1596 on: January 22, 2019, 08:35:56 AM »









Ken
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Robert

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1597 on: January 22, 2019, 09:23:05 AM »

Bob and Tammy like to visit the yearly's flightshow near the city where they live. Every year Bob tells Tammy that for once in his life he would like to fly on a helicopter.
Tammy always replies: But Bob it cost 50 pounds and 50 pounds are 50 pounds .....
This year Bob asks the same question stating he is 75 now and maybe his last chance but he gets the same answer as always: But Bob it cost 50 pounds and 50 pounds are 50 pounds .....
The helicopter pilot happens to stand nearby and says that he will take them both up for free if they do not say a word during the flight. If not they will have to pay. They both agree and go up. The pilot makes the most daring moves but no sound. After they landed he asks Bob  how he could stay silent.
Bob answers: I almost said something when Tammy fell out of the helicopter but hey 50 pounds are 50 pounds ......
« Last Edit: January 22, 2019, 10:02:28 AM by Robert »
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1598 on: January 24, 2019, 08:12:56 AM »

 ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1599 on: January 26, 2019, 07:58:29 AM »


This transgender ban on US troops being in the force is stupid,

It’s estimated it costs $5 million for transgenders to be in the us forces, but it’s okay for Trump to travel to Florida to play golf estimated at $25 million flights 🤷‍♀️

Trump wants 18 holes, some of theses guys are only asking for one.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates
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