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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 36144 times)

0 Members and 10 Guests are viewing this topic.

brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #40 on: August 22, 2011, 10:41:07 AM »

Oh I have never done it before  ;)
But blokes i know did!  :)
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Derek

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #41 on: August 22, 2011, 07:04:00 PM »


<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rk24Pktt41Q" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rk24Pktt41Q</a>

It was funny but it got a bit repetitive.
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Derek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #42 on: August 23, 2011, 01:12:35 PM »

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut -glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When Miss Beatrice returned with tea and scones, she began to chat with the pastor. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!!!!'

On the organ were pictures of Miss Beatrice when she was young, and yes, you guessed it, she had beautiful blond hair.
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Derek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #43 on: August 23, 2011, 01:13:59 PM »

Another blond joke.

A blonde haired man, wanting to earn some money, decides to hire himself out as a handyman, so starts canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. He goes to the front door of the first house and asks the owner if she has any odd jobs.

"Well, how much would you charge to paint my porch?" she asks.
The blonde bloke replies:
"How about £50?"
She agrees, telling him that the paint and other materials he might need are in the garage.
The woman's husband hears the conversation and says to his wife:
"Does he realise the porch goes all the way round the house?" To which she replies:
"He should, he was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde bloke comes to the door to collect his money.
"You're finished already?" she asks, surprised.
"Yes," he answers. "And I had some paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the woman reaches for her purse and hands him £50.
"And by the way," the blonde bloke adds:
"It's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
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Derek

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #44 on: August 23, 2011, 01:15:48 PM »

The best of both worlds? Or the worst?

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9iJdPAum9s" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9iJdPAum9s</a>
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Derek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #45 on: August 23, 2011, 01:27:02 PM »

Who to believe?  :o  ;D

[attachment deleted by admin]
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brettandlek

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #46 on: August 24, 2011, 09:51:22 AM »

Never thought that before.
I dont think I would masterbate thinking about here, but i'd give her a run.
Of course it is all hypothetical anyway as i have never done it.
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Derek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #47 on: August 24, 2011, 05:39:56 PM »

Never thought that before.
I dont think I would masterbate thinking about here, but i'd give her a run.
Of course it is all hypothetical anyway as i have never done it.

Try is Brett. You'll like it.  ;)  ;D I've never heard a man say he didn't.
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brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #48 on: August 24, 2011, 08:02:25 PM »

Never heard that saying that 90% of men admit to it, but the other 10% are liars?
At the moment, I am teasing the hell out of Lek.
There is a Thai massage place that advertises in our local paper and they say they are open from 10.30am to 10.30pm and they also say they have shower facilities and off street parking.
I have chipped away at Lek for the last couple of weeks stating that she is not going to help me so i need to explore my options.
She said all along, you not go there, stop talk idiot.
Now she says. ok, you can go there, but i go too.
I cant win.
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brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #49 on: August 24, 2011, 09:05:48 PM »

Hey Alfie, yes, I am! ;D
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sulasno

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #50 on: September 19, 2011, 09:31:05 PM »

LOL

Attention:


You have reached the very last page of the Internet.


We hope you have enjoyed your browsing.


Now turn off your computer and go outside.
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Thaiphoon

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #51 on: September 20, 2011, 08:47:48 AM »

People who use their fingernails to scratch their head while they shampoo can't be trusted.
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sfs

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #52 on: October 13, 2011, 08:35:26 PM »

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE ANDTHINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL......MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.   I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.  AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL . 'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.  WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, bugger ASKED...........

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
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If at first you don't succeed you are clearly not cut out for it. Give up and move on.

Thaiphoon

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #53 on: October 15, 2011, 11:08:54 PM »

we'll probably be able to ask him our selves one day  ;D





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Koratchef

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #54 on: October 16, 2011, 05:47:42 AM »

Ummmm....Tourettes joke

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the f*cking
manager of this b*stard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you would refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.

'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?' 'Pardon?' says the manager.

'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your c*nting piano.'
'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and he shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'

'Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

'That's superb. What's it called?'

'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept Hurting My Dick,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'

'I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls
Caught In The Soap Drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any
romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.

'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of days until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous women he has ever laid his eyes on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.

'Where's that b*stard pianist?'

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and
whispers in his ear,

'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?'

'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it.'
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brettandlek

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #55 on: October 16, 2011, 05:48:22 AM »

What on earth was that idiot in the gif thinking
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sfs

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #56 on: October 22, 2011, 03:44:12 PM »

I was in the pharmacy this morning and the woman behaind the counter said to me "sorry about the wait". I replied your not so f..k..g thin yourself bitch!
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If at first you don't succeed you are clearly not cut out for it. Give up and move on.

sfs

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #57 on: October 26, 2011, 01:05:28 AM »

Giraffe Test

Hope you all enjoy this wee test….. and don’t cheat please……..
 
I know what you are like…..don’t cheat…….
 
I will know………………………………
 
Remember no cheating, just read the question then scroll down for the answer……………………………………

 
 
Hello, your test for the day.
  There are 4 questions. Dont miss one, and no bloody cheating.
  1.  How do you put a giraffe into a  refrigerator?

Stop  and think about it and decide on your answer  before you scroll  down.
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
The  correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in  the giraffe, and close the door. This question  tests whether you tend to do simple things in an  overly complicated  way.

 
 
 
 
2  How do you put an elephant into a  refrigerator?

 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 



 

 
 
 
 
 
Did  you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the  elephant, and close the  refrigerator?







 
Wrong  Answer..
 
Correct Answer: Open  the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in  the elephant and close the door. This tests your  ability to think through the repercussions of  your previous  actions..

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
3...  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals     
Attend  ........ Except one.   Which animal does not  attend?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 

 
 
 
Correct  Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the  refrigerator. You just put him in there.   This tests your memory. Okay, even if you  did not answer the first three questions  correctly, you still have one more chance to  show your true  abilities.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used  by crocodiles, and   
You  do not have a boat. How do you manage  it?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


 

 
 
 

 
 
Correct  Answer:? You jump into the river and swim  across. Have you not been listening? All the  crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your  mistakes.
 









According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90%  of the 
Professionals   they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.    Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do  not have the brains of a  four-year-old. 


Send  this out to frustrate all of your smart  friends..
PS: Just the fact that I sent  it to you should make you feel  good.
 
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If at first you don't succeed you are clearly not cut out for it. Give up and move on.

Toddy

  • Guest
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #58 on: October 26, 2011, 01:31:11 AM »

Only got one right. Bugger!!  ;D
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Eagle 3

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #59 on: October 27, 2011, 06:09:57 PM »

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
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I am sofa king we todd did.
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