Korat-Farang.com

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

News:

Pages: 1 ... 59 60 [61] 62 63 ... 73

Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 16758 times)

1 Member and 3 Guests are viewing this topic.

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1200 on: November 22, 2017, 06:12:55 PM »

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a Priest, said, .... 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that..'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the
Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants
on backwards instead of your collar.
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1201 on: November 22, 2017, 06:20:51 PM »


I've just walked into my local butcher's shop and my wife asked asked “Is that a pig's head in the front window?”.
The butcher replied
“No......it’s a mirror”
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1202 on: November 25, 2017, 07:54:17 AM »


Toilet reading ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1203 on: November 25, 2017, 08:15:14 AM »


Ronald joins a very exclusive nudist community. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to walk around.

A gorgeous brunette walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The brunette notices Ronald’s erection, comes over to him and asks, “Did you call for me?”

Ronald replies, “No,what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a law here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Ronald continues to explore the community. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within seconds a gigantic,bearded guy lumbers out of the steam room toward him,

“Did you call for me?” says the gigantic guy.

“No, what do you mean?” says the rookie Ronald.

“You must be new,” says the gigantic guy, “it’s a law that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The rookie Ronald staggers back to the community management office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked hot clerk,

“May I help you?” she says.

Ronald yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the 1000 bucks membership fee.”

“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”

Ronald replies, “Listen young lady, I’m 70 years old. I only get an erection once in a month.But I fart 20 times a day.”

Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1204 on: November 26, 2017, 06:34:16 PM »


I take a Viagra every night.
It stops me rolling out of bed.
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

enrico

  • Member
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 150
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1205 on: November 27, 2017, 09:23:34 AM »

nudist joke ? good one jivvy.  its a new one to me  ? i will pass it on to my drinking pals .... catch you all later... E.F.M.
Logged

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1206 on: November 28, 2017, 04:14:57 PM »


I heard Bob Monkhouse (remember him?) tell this many years ago and it's supposedly from a real radio commentary of the Oxford and Cambridge boat race.
After the race had been won by, I believe Cambridge, the commentator said "And the wife of the coach of the winning team is graciously kissing the cox of the losing team"!!!!!
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1207 on: November 29, 2017, 07:19:28 PM »


It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collect
ing the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

Alfie

  • Forum Lover
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8337
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1208 on: November 29, 2017, 08:08:04 PM »

If you are unaware of the Bradley Lowery story, it's all the fault of the London centric media.

Logged
Nil carborundum illegentium est

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1209 on: November 30, 2017, 12:28:03 PM »

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a dump."
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1210 on: November 30, 2017, 09:52:43 PM »


It’s one of those restaurants where they have tanks full of fish and sea food, and you choose the one you want and they hook it out and cook it there and then. Our story tonight concerns a restaurant which specializes in squid.

Anyway, listen, sitting there, looking forlorn in the corner of the tank, is a sorry-looking squid. A funny sort of bright green it is, with the beginnings of a patchy mustache just starting to show. Needless to say the customers aren’t struck, so after a few months this squid is still there, no-one having chosen him, so the manager decides to get rid.

He reaches into the tank and eases the squid out onto the chopping block. He raises the meat cleaver on high, and is about to deliver the final blow, when his eyes meet those of the poor squid, gazing up at him with the saddest, most imploring eyes you ever did see.

Well the manager, wiping away a tear, can’t go through with it, so he asks the head waiter but he also can’t bring himself to kill the poor, sad-faced little quid.
“What are we going to do?” sobs the manager?
“I know,” bawls the head waiter, “we’ll get Hans to do it.” Hans, out in the kitchen, the German washer upper. Seven feet tall, ex-Gestapo, as hard as nails and as cold as ice.
“Great idea,” wails the manager.”

So they take the squid out to the kitchen, and explain to Hans what they want doing.
“Ja! I kill!” roars Hans.
He grabs a hatchet in one hand and a steak mallet in the other, raises them above his head…and there, looking up at him, its bristling lip quivering, its big blue eyes pleading, is the most heart-breaking face you ever saw on a squid.”
“Gott in Himmel…” blubbers Hans. “Ich kann nicht…ich kann nicht…”

And the moral of the story is:
Hans that does dishes can go soft at the face of the lime-green hairy-lipped squid.
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1211 on: December 01, 2017, 06:35:24 AM »


My wife...........................
(She doesn't necessarily need to know about this post.......)

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife and I bought a waterbed, which I call the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1212 on: December 03, 2017, 05:02:34 PM »

Lost in Home Depot
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra."
"What does your wife look like?" asks the young man.
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1213 on: December 04, 2017, 12:13:48 PM »


In mathematics class, the teacher Mrs. Cooper asks the students:

There are 6 birds in a tree. I threw a stone, shot three of them. How many birds remain?

One of the learners lifts his finger and answers:

No birds will remain.

The teacher is smiling and asking him why?”

Because the others will fly away in fear.

The teacher says; No. The right answer would be three, but I liked the point of view.

The student is very demoralized but does not show much. When the course continues,the student lifts a finger again:

– Can I ask a question Mrs. Cooper?

Teacher allows.

– Three women walking on the street eating ice cream. Somebody is licking her freeze, the other is biting, the other is sucking. Which of the women is married?

The teacher is surprised, gets angry, but has to answer:

– Hmm… sucking?

Student is smiling and answers:

-No,the one with the ring on her finger. But I loved the point of view.

Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1214 on: December 04, 2017, 04:44:22 PM »

A bald, white beard man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful young chick at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special necklace for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and showed them a $3,000 necklace.

The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more than special from this one.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special room and brought another necklace over. “Here’s a wonderful necklace at only $30,000,” the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes shined and her whole body trembled with excitement. The bald old man seeing this said, “We’ll buy it.”

The jeweler asked “How will you pay this necklace sir? ”

The old man responded, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the necklace up Monday afternoon.”

On Monday morning, the jeweler furiously phoned the old man and said, “There’s no money in that bank account.”

“I know,” said the old man. “But would you like to hear about my awesome weekend?”

Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1215 on: December 05, 2017, 04:48:28 PM »


MALE CUSTOMER: "WAITRESS,CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THE MENU PLEASE ?"

WAITRESS:(SLAPS HIS FACE) "THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS"..
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1216 on: December 07, 2017, 07:23:52 PM »

 ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1217 on: December 07, 2017, 08:46:11 PM »

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1218 on: December 08, 2017, 05:47:52 PM »

 ;D ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2046
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1219 on: December 08, 2017, 08:23:49 PM »

 ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates
Pages: 1 ... 59 60 [61] 62 63 ... 73