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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 20221 times)

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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1400 on: April 30, 2018, 10:08:46 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1401 on: May 01, 2018, 08:24:00 PM »


Which one has the best hair? ;D ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1402 on: May 02, 2018, 08:15:47 PM »

 ;D ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1403 on: May 04, 2018, 08:14:59 PM »


Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1404 on: May 05, 2018, 05:02:56 PM »

 ;D ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1405 on: May 06, 2018, 11:19:20 AM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1406 on: May 07, 2018, 09:42:14 AM »

 It would be noisy in Pattaya.....lol
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1407 on: May 08, 2018, 10:06:22 AM »

 
So I called up a Chinese takeaway last night. Someone answered and said:
Herro Im Wan King the chef.
So I said “Oh sorry to disturb, I’ll call back later.



My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. …
She looked at me and gave me a dirty smile “Turn the light off and stick it up my arse ” …
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1408 on: May 10, 2018, 06:24:20 PM »


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter"
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1409 on: May 10, 2018, 06:29:59 PM »

If a fire-fighter's business can go up in smoke and a plumber's business can go down the drain, can a prostitute get laid off?

...........................................

Walked onto a construction site.
The lady foreman said you need some protective gear, pal.
I said no it’s ok, I’ve had a vasectomy.
That was the last thing I remembered.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2018, 06:45:06 PM by jivvy »
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1410 on: May 13, 2018, 06:49:48 AM »


Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared under the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big smile on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."


Get your minds out of the gutter.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1411 on: May 14, 2018, 06:31:44 PM »

I wonder where they put the rest of him?
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1412 on: May 14, 2018, 06:57:43 PM »

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

.............................

I told my wife I was feeling horny the other day.
"Well, we can soon sort that out" she said with a wink, and slowly undressed.
She was right.
I stopped feeling horny immediately.
« Last Edit: May 14, 2018, 08:39:29 PM by jivvy »
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1413 on: May 14, 2018, 08:40:26 PM »


Three Day Silence


My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1414 on: May 16, 2018, 05:16:33 PM »

I got pulled over by the police last night on my way home.....

They said, "This is a spot check".....

I replied, "I’ve got two blackheads and a boil on my arse"......!!!

------------------------------------

A Tibetan astrologer has predicted that England will win the World cup this year.....

This is by far the best proof that astrology is a load of  bollocks...!!!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1415 on: May 17, 2018, 08:39:25 AM »


After having failed his exam, a student confronts his professor. “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?” The professor replies, “Of course I do. Otherwise I would not be teaching it!” The student, with a smirk on his face then says, “Okay, great, well then, I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me a correct answer, I will accept my failing mark and go on, but, if you do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for my exam grade.” The instructor thought about it for a minute and then stated, “Okay, it’s a deal. What’s the question?” The student asks, “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?” Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot come up with a fitting answer for the student, so by living up to his end of the agreement, he does indeed change the exam grade to an, “A.” The teacher tossed and turned all night, trying to figure out the answer to that question, but to no avail. The following morning, he pulls his best student aside and asks him the question. The student immediately answers; “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman, which is legal but not logical. Your wife has a 17-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A” on his exam, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1416 on: May 18, 2018, 07:30:52 AM »


A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give
a test. He gives each woman a present of. X£$5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the. $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,

and then he married the one with the biggest tits!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1417 on: May 18, 2018, 01:51:02 PM »


We all know those cute little computer symbols called smileys,
where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.

Here are a few you might now know about but come in really handy:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

(_E=mc^2_) A smart ass
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1418 on: May 18, 2018, 08:47:19 PM »

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, “I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.”
The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies “But I don’t have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it’s urgent! I’ll do anything to get a message to her.”
The clerk replies “Anything?”
“Yes… ANYTHING!” replies the blonde.
He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants. She does. “Take it out”, says the clerk.”
She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says “Well… go ahead and do it…” She brings her lips close to it and shouts
 “Hello? … Mom can you hear me?”
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1419 on: May 19, 2018, 05:58:00 PM »


A young couple, very much in love, had finalized their wedding plans and were cuddling on the sofa. The frisky, blonde, bride-to-be snuggles in closer and says to her fiancé, “Darling, you know how badly I want to fulfill this fantasy of making love with you before we’re married. Could we, tonight… could we, Sweetheart?”
Her soon-to-be husband smiled, and said, “Just keep reminding yourself, it’s not long until June, Dear.”
The blonde, a bit confused replied, “And how long do you think it will be in June?”
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates
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