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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 33862 times)

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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1440 on: June 11, 2018, 09:50:10 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1441 on: June 12, 2018, 11:00:09 AM »


if mothers celebrate mothers day,
Fathers celebrate fathers day,
and lovers celebrate valentines day,
do winkers celebrate palm Sunday?
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1442 on: June 14, 2018, 09:25:01 PM »


Imagine if all retailers started making their own condoms:

Tesco condoms 'every little helps'
Nike condoms 'just do it'
Peugeot condoms 'the ride of your life'
KFC condoms 'finger licking good'
Duracell condoms 'just keep going and going and going..'
Pringles condoms 'once you pop you can't stop'
Burger King condoms 'the home of the whopper'
Polo condoms 'the one with the hole in it....'
OH FecK!!!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1443 on: June 17, 2018, 09:41:34 AM »


A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there’s a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while, a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her…. ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag … ‘
‘Oh, really? Darn!’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning! ‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’
‘Oh, no,’ said the little old lady. ‘You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my beautiful flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks “it” through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or I cut it off! ‘
‘The officer smiles at the antics of the elderly woman, wishes her a good night, and then as he begins to walk away he asks, “By the way, what’s in the other bag?”
‘Well….’ says the little old lady, ‘…not everybody pays”
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

Robert

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1444 on: June 17, 2018, 10:05:59 AM »

Get out of the car
This is not a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and,upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs.
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!
The four man didn't wait for a second treat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load the shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then realized why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car four of five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1445 on: June 18, 2018, 03:02:35 PM »


A Scouser goes for a job at sea.
The Captain asks, "Have you any experience away at sea?"
"No," the lad replies, "but I'm honest!"
The Captain decides to take him on and off they sail.
After three weeks at sea the lad is busy swabbing the decks when a big wave crashes over and sweeps the Scouser overboard.
The 1st mate runs to the Captain, "Captain, Capitan, you know the Scouse lad we took on, the one who said he was honest?
Well the runt just fucked off with your mop!"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1446 on: June 18, 2018, 10:20:53 PM »

 ;D
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1447 on: June 19, 2018, 10:34:22 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1448 on: June 20, 2018, 10:11:12 PM »

My mother in law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later.....

She complained, "This parrot has not said, anything"...
The parrot replied, "I've not had a f*cking chance yet".....
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1449 on: June 28, 2018, 01:34:51 PM »


there were three mates and they decided to try out a new brothel in town.... which service would you like? they were asked £20..£40 or £60.
The first bloke chose to have the £20...… afterwards he came out and said it was wonderful.. She stripped me and bathed me and covered me in perfume and then she put a pineapple ring on my dick and nibbled all around it. we then had brilliant sex.
The next guy chose the £40 service and afterwards he came out and said it was brilliant..... she stripped me and bathed me and covered me with perfume and then put two pineapple rings on my dick .and nibbled all around it and then we had brilliant sex
The last guy chose the £60 service and he was gone for ages and suddenly an ambulance came and rushed him off to hospital..... His mates chased after him and found him in the emergency ward. What happened? they asked. He said well she stripped me and bathed me and covered me with perfume and she then put three pineapple rings on my dick and then she topped it with whipped cream and put a cherry on top...…. well it looked so good I ate it myself
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1450 on: June 29, 2018, 09:44:45 AM »


I was walking through the red light district tonight when a prossie approached me and said, "I can do things you can't get your wife to do."

I said, "F*ck off then."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1451 on: June 29, 2018, 07:29:08 PM »


1960s Hits Renamed…
Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday...
They include:

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From My Dependents

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now My Cataracts Are Gone

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got A Brand New Kidney Stone

Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore

Abba - Denture Queen

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1452 on: June 30, 2018, 07:35:51 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1453 on: July 02, 2018, 08:44:21 AM »


My wife is leaving me due to my obsession with police interview techniques..
And for the benefit of the tape she is leaving the room at 12.20am.

The wife and I went into town for dinner last night and on the way back the car broke down in the red light district.
The wife seemed amused at the six prostitutes circling the car until one of them said "Hi Pete! She's not from our patch, I hope the fat bitch isn't charging you over the odds?"

The BMW X6.
A car for those who think that the X5 doesn't say, "Obnoxious twat" clearly enough.

MURDERERS.
Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

PHILANDERERS.
Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by only having flings with girls who have the same name as your wife.

Murphy's Law:
You wait and wait, but the minute you use the stethoscope to listen to your balls, the doctor walks in.

I was talking to a fat lass with huge tits last night.
"My eyes are up here..." I said as she looked down at the kebab in my hand.

This weather is unbearable! I was having sex this morning when I suddenly became too warm, in the end I got so uncomfortable I had to take my Balaclava off.

"How to solve Africa's contaminated water problem."
They should just do what the Australians do..........bottle it up and sell it in England as lager.

A bloke in leather shorts and tight vest top came up to me, gave me his number and said, "You look like you could use some fun. Call me."
I'm going to call him tomorrow. Hopefully he'll take me to Alton Towers or something.

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?............. A tiny part of me says yes.

Had to unplug the wife's life support machine today.
Or the fridge as she calls it...
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1454 on: July 03, 2018, 01:48:31 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1455 on: July 04, 2018, 10:39:39 AM »


a cop stopped a drunk who was staggering along the road....who are you? asked the cop...….
Captain Kid replied the drunk...…
oh yes said the cop and where are your buccaneers?
well they are holding my bucking hat up replied the drunk
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1456 on: July 05, 2018, 06:13:21 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1457 on: July 08, 2018, 05:05:28 PM »

 ;D
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1458 on: July 12, 2018, 02:51:04 PM »


A woman shopping in Asda notices a cute young assistant, he has such a nice arse it makes her randy.
She asks him to carry her shopping to her car,on the way she cannot hold back any more and says to him, "I"ve got an itchy pussy".....

He says, "You"ll have to point it out love, all these flipping Japanese cars look the same to me"......!!!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1459 on: July 12, 2018, 05:18:08 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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