Korat-Farang.com

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

News:

Pages: 1 ... 72 73 [74] 75 76

Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 21749 times)

1 Member and 3 Guests are viewing this topic.

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1460 on: July 05, 2018, 05:13:21 PM »

 ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1461 on: July 08, 2018, 04:05:28 PM »

 ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1462 on: July 12, 2018, 01:51:04 PM »


A woman shopping in Asda notices a cute young assistant, he has such a nice arse it makes her randy.
She asks him to carry her shopping to her car,on the way she cannot hold back any more and says to him, "I"ve got an itchy pussy".....

He says, "You"ll have to point it out love, all these flipping Japanese cars look the same to me"......!!!
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1463 on: July 12, 2018, 04:18:08 PM »

 ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1464 on: July 16, 2018, 11:26:23 AM »

 ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1465 on: July 18, 2018, 08:09:17 PM »

 ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1466 on: July 21, 2018, 08:21:36 PM »

 ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1467 on: July 24, 2018, 08:20:17 PM »

 ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1468 on: July 25, 2018, 09:26:30 AM »


TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1469 on: July 25, 2018, 06:37:02 PM »


Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he
asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1470 on: July 27, 2018, 11:40:35 AM »


An elderly physician hired a straight out of medical school doctor to join him in his practice. After a few days of learning the ropes, the older doctor announced he would be playing golf the rest of the day but was sure he was leaving things in capable hands. The next morning, before getting busy with patients, the more experienced physician asked how things went during his absence. The younger doctor, while not looking up from his charts said, “Oh, there were only three patients yesterday. One came in with a headache so I gave him a Tylenol.” “Well done!” said the senior doctor. “The second had indigestion, so I gave him a dose of Maalox.” “That’s good, that’s good, and the third patient?” “Well,” said the junior doctor, “I was sitting here when suddenly the door burst open and a lovely, very lovely woman came rushing through and ran straight for exam room 1, dropping her clothing as she went. By the time she made it to the examination table she was totally nude and completely sprawled. The entire time she was shouting, “Help me! Help me! It’s been 5 years since I’ve seen a man…5 whole years since I’ve seen a man!” The older doctor, with big eyes and a shocked expression said, “My goodness!!!! What did you do for her??!” His young assistant calmly replied, “I put drops in her eyes, of course.”
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1471 on: July 27, 2018, 05:34:09 PM »

 ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1472 on: July 27, 2018, 08:27:55 PM »

 ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1473 on: July 28, 2018, 11:08:56 AM »

 ;D
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1474 on: July 28, 2018, 05:52:36 PM »


A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F-16 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset, the F-16 youngster told the 777 pilot, Hey Captain, watch this!?

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F-16 screamed down at impossible G?s before leveling at almost sea level.

The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777 pilot said, ?That was truly impressive, but watch this!?

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, ?What did you think of that??

Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, What the heck did you do?

The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the can, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company"

LESSON OF LIFE:
When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing! When you get older and smarter, comfort and dullness is not such a bad thing!

It's called S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter!

Dedicated to all my friends approaching S.O.S.

...."Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway."
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

Hector

  • Member
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 365
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1475 on: July 29, 2018, 05:21:16 AM »

A modern variation on the old bull/young bull story: an old bull and a young bull were together in a field when they see the farmer put the cows into the field next door.  "Wow!" says the young bull, let's rush down and $hag a couple...."  "No", replied the old bull, "let's walk down and "$hag the lot!"
Logged

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1476 on: July 29, 2018, 10:20:51 AM »

An Oldie but goody

I HATE SHOPPING !
Yesterday my wife Mary received the following letter from the local Hypermarket...
Dear Mrs. Murphy,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Murphy, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.



Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 2136
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1477 on: July 30, 2018, 07:11:38 PM »


An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones...

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy...

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote...

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams...
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you"...

The husband texted back to her, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise"....
Logged
One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

waterheart

  • Solid Member
  • *
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1051
    • https://www.facebook.com/thai.pookie
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1478 on: July 31, 2018, 10:52:12 PM »

Logged

Roger

  • Solid Member +
  • **
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2241
Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1479 on: August 01, 2018, 08:19:56 AM »

Waterheart thanks for that - very funny.
(The 1 year old reminds me of my youngest Grandson Rufus  ;D )

You should post more as you are the only Lady on K-F.
Edit . . . Whoops - it's TWO Ladies - sorry Melyanna  ;D

ATB
« Last Edit: August 01, 2018, 08:53:44 AM by Roger »
Logged
Pages: 1 ... 72 73 [74] 75 76