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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 20228 times)

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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1480 on: August 01, 2018, 04:23:16 PM »


Gay Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS"...
Ray is devastated he says, "Doctor, what can I do"...?
"Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice,
"Ray asks bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doctor"...?

The Doctor says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your fuckin" arse is for"......
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1481 on: August 01, 2018, 04:45:09 PM »


An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were out one day playing golf with their wives.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded.

“Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.” The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here's £50.00 go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?” She replies, “I can't afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here's £20.00 go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”

"The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb.

Tidy yerself up a bit
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1482 on: August 01, 2018, 05:51:49 PM »


Two Chinese dudes break into a distillery.
One Chinese dude says to the other: "Is this whiskey?"
The other Chinese dude says:" Yes it's whiskey, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1483 on: August 02, 2018, 08:11:54 PM »


Man doing a crossword asks wife, "what's a 4 letter word for female relative, ends UNT"...?

His wife says, "AUNT"...
Husband says, "Pass the tippex"...!!!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1484 on: August 03, 2018, 09:40:57 AM »


 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1485 on: August 03, 2018, 01:55:01 PM »


A Jewish mother...

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv." All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.

My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece, when it used to be the size of a 5 pence."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman. You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion; you drive a £250,000 Ferrari, and you get £2,000 a week allowance.

You take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all that away...

Over 45 pence?"

Now that's a Jewish mother!!!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1486 on: August 04, 2018, 07:32:24 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1487 on: August 06, 2018, 06:21:31 PM »


5 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, their next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, and after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.The priest nearly had an accident
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand but, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE....
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1488 on: August 07, 2018, 07:09:08 PM »


Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent. So they decide the men will sleep in one tent, and the women will sleep in the other.
In the middle of the night, John says, "Bob, look at this hard-on I’ve got. It must be all the fresh air. I’m going over to see my wife."
Bob says, "You want me to come with you?"...
John says, "Why the hell would I want you to come with me?"...
Bob says, "Because that’s my cock your holding."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1489 on: August 11, 2018, 06:33:33 AM »


A male student asked his English professor "what is the definition of a dilemma?"

The professor said.. "Well, there's nothing better than this example to illustrate
that"

"Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked women on one
side, and an excited gay man on the other".

"Who are you going to turn your back on ?"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1490 on: August 16, 2018, 08:44:29 PM »

Definition of irony:-
Fat people having to resort to jogging pants when they can't get trousers to fit them.

My wife asked me to give her some peace and quiet earlier while she made dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

To date David Blaine has frozen himself, starved himself, gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen, which is quite an achievement.............well I just put a whole roll of Fruit Pastilles in my mouth without chewing!
Your move David...

My wife left me for two reasons.
One was that I never listened to anything she said...
I can't remember the second one.

My daughter asked me, "Daddy, where is mummy?"
"She's with the angels now."
"You mean she's dead?"
"No, she ran off with a biker!"

A child is for life, not just for benefits...

BARMAIDS.
Pour all my mates' lagers first, and THEN my Guinness, to ensure half my night is spent at the f*cking bar

It would save me a lot of time if my local Tesco just had an aisle marked "unhealthy crap."

It was lucky I went to see a fortune teller today.......she warned me that somebody was going to swindle me.
I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information.

A new device has been invented to reduce the noise made inside your car by 95%......It fits right over her mouth.

Weirdly, I seem to play loud music at the same time my neighbour bangs stuff against the wall

What's worse than having a girlfriend with no tits?
Having tits and no girlfriend...

I was driving my car yesterday, when a banging/grinding noise suddenly came from the engine.
Luckily it stopped when I turned the radio up.

Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they, "Need a life"?

Just seen a picture of what women would've looked like three million years ago. Jesus, what a bunch of mingers! No wonder it took us two million years to become erect.

I walked into a tattooist today, pulled my pants down and said, "I want my girlfriend's name tattooed down my c*ck please."
"Well lets f*cking hope her name is Sue or Ann," he replied.

I never think twice about helping others in need.
In fact, I never think once about it.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

Coolkorat

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1491 on: August 17, 2018, 09:22:15 PM »

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I.. touched one with the tip of my finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.

St. Peter then turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."

"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"

Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"
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Roger

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1492 on: August 18, 2018, 06:50:18 AM »

CK  ;D
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Dylan_Leo

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1493 on: August 20, 2018, 06:07:46 PM »

Working at the Job centre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day  ;D ;D
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