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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 36371 times)

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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1480 on: August 03, 2018, 10:40:57 AM »


 ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1481 on: August 03, 2018, 02:55:01 PM »


A Jewish mother...

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv." All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.

My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece, when it used to be the size of a 5 pence."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman. You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion; you drive a £250,000 Ferrari, and you get £2,000 a week allowance.

You take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all that away...

Over 45 pence?"

Now that's a Jewish mother!!!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1482 on: August 04, 2018, 08:32:24 PM »

 ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1483 on: August 06, 2018, 07:21:31 PM »


5 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, their next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, and after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.The priest nearly had an accident
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand but, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE....
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1484 on: August 07, 2018, 08:09:08 PM »


Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent. So they decide the men will sleep in one tent, and the women will sleep in the other.
In the middle of the night, John says, "Bob, look at this hard-on I’ve got. It must be all the fresh air. I’m going over to see my wife."
Bob says, "You want me to come with you?"...
John says, "Why the hell would I want you to come with me?"...
Bob says, "Because that’s my cock your holding."
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1485 on: August 11, 2018, 07:33:33 AM »


A male student asked his English professor "what is the definition of a dilemma?"

The professor said.. "Well, there's nothing better than this example to illustrate
that"

"Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked women on one
side, and an excited gay man on the other".

"Who are you going to turn your back on ?"
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1486 on: August 16, 2018, 09:44:29 PM »

Definition of irony:-
Fat people having to resort to jogging pants when they can't get trousers to fit them.

My wife asked me to give her some peace and quiet earlier while she made dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

To date David Blaine has frozen himself, starved himself, gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen, which is quite an achievement.............well I just put a whole roll of Fruit Pastilles in my mouth without chewing!
Your move David...

My wife left me for two reasons.
One was that I never listened to anything she said...
I can't remember the second one.

My daughter asked me, "Daddy, where is mummy?"
"She's with the angels now."
"You mean she's dead?"
"No, she ran off with a biker!"

A child is for life, not just for benefits...

BARMAIDS.
Pour all my mates' lagers first, and THEN my Guinness, to ensure half my night is spent at the f*cking bar

It would save me a lot of time if my local Tesco just had an aisle marked "unhealthy crap."

It was lucky I went to see a fortune teller today.......she warned me that somebody was going to swindle me.
I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information.

A new device has been invented to reduce the noise made inside your car by 95%......It fits right over her mouth.

Weirdly, I seem to play loud music at the same time my neighbour bangs stuff against the wall

What's worse than having a girlfriend with no tits?
Having tits and no girlfriend...

I was driving my car yesterday, when a banging/grinding noise suddenly came from the engine.
Luckily it stopped when I turned the radio up.

Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they, "Need a life"?

Just seen a picture of what women would've looked like three million years ago. Jesus, what a bunch of mingers! No wonder it took us two million years to become erect.

I walked into a tattooist today, pulled my pants down and said, "I want my girlfriend's name tattooed down my c*ck please."
"Well lets f*cking hope her name is Sue or Ann," he replied.

I never think twice about helping others in need.
In fact, I never think once about it.
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1487 on: August 17, 2018, 10:22:15 PM »

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I.. touched one with the tip of my finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.

St. Peter then turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."

"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"

Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"
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Roger

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1488 on: August 18, 2018, 07:50:18 AM »

CK  ;D
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1489 on: August 20, 2018, 07:07:46 PM »

Working at the Job centre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day  ;D ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1490 on: August 21, 2018, 08:10:14 PM »


I've started cycling to work every day in a bid to get fit, but people say it makes me look gay.
So, to macho up my image a little bit, I've drawn some racing stripes on my basket.

I finally managed to give my wife multiple orgasms, but she still isn't happy.
Apparently it doesn't count if there's five years between the first and second one.

A study in Cosmopolitan magazine has found that obese men make better lovers, lasting an average of 48 minutes.
However, 46 of those minutes are spent looking for their c*cks.

Last year the police received around one million calls regarding domestic abuse, which means potentially 1 in 30 women are being abused.
This is a terrifying statistic as it means potentially 29 in 30 women don't know their place.

I don't understand why strippers get mad when I tip with monopoly money.. I mean.. are those real tits?
I don't think so.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for people with no friends...

Save the price of a new TV licence by simply keeping your old one and only watching repeats on 'Dave' which you've already paid for.

My boss called me into his office this morning.
He said, "Why have I had sexual harassment complaints from several members of our female staff?"
I said, "Because you're probably a pervert."

My boss told me to go for assertiveness coaching......... I'll need to cancel my holiday, but it should be worth it.

My wife's face lit up when I came home and said, "Get up those stairs - I'm gonna give you a good seeing to."
To be honest, I think she was just glad to get out of the cellar.

My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters.
For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year...

"This is all your fault!" my wife moaned this morning.
"F*cking hell, what have I done now?" I asked her.
"Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've only just woken up.
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1491 on: August 21, 2018, 08:13:08 PM »

 ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1492 on: August 22, 2018, 08:38:32 AM »


I got home the other night to find my wife packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
She said "Mayfair. Ive heard that the girls there earn £400 for what i do to you for free"
I said " hold on i'm coming along too. I want to know how you're going to survive on £800 a year"
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1493 on: August 22, 2018, 08:56:43 PM »

 
A bloke went into Sports Direct on Tuesday and asked for some condoms and KY jelly.

"We are a sports shop." said the assistant.

On Wednesday he asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, some anal beads and a gimp mask.

"We are a sports shop." said the assistant.

So, on Thursday, he went in and asked for some love eggs and a whip.

Always with the same reply.

Today as he went in, the assistant took him to one side and said "Mate you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing you know we are a sports shop, what the fuck do you really want?"

He summoned up all his courage took a deep breath and said "Can I have a West Ham home shirt please?"!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1494 on: August 23, 2018, 09:16:17 AM »


A guy was dying for a crap and he could hold it no longer so he did it on the pavement..
just then a copper came along so the guy took off his bowler hat and covered the turd so that the cop couldn`t see it...…
what`s going on here asked the cop....
well officer I have just captured a very rare Ooslem bird under my hat but they fly very fast and I wonder if you would mind looking after it until I can fetch a large net from home to catch it,
Ok said the cop I will stay here until you get back,
After a while the chief inspector came up and asked what was going on ..
The cop told him the story so they both waited and waited but the guy didn`t return 
The chief inspector said we will have to catch the bird ourselves … on the count of three you lift the hat and I will pounce on the bird...….
One .. Two Three The cop grabbed the hat and shouted .. did you catch it ?..
No said the inspector but I didn`t half scare it!
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1495 on: August 23, 2018, 08:59:36 PM »


 Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too..
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1496 on: August 26, 2018, 04:42:25 PM »


Guy walks into convenience store and says: I need three packs of condoms please. Cashier: You want a bag with those? Guy: Nah, she ain't THAT ugly!

fun size
chocolate bars! what's that all about?. since when was anything 3inches, fun size?

Toy Story must have been written by a woman. Who else would name their toys Woody and Buzz!!

I've been sacked from my job as a bingo caller ... apparently, 'a meal for two with a hairy view' is not the way to call number 69!

Woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8 am. Well he'll just have to mow around me today, I ain't moving!

The next time a private number calls my house, I am answering the phone just like this, "Vasectomy Clinic" You flop em' we chop em' how may I help you??

If men believed in reincarnation they'd ask to come back as a spider, so they could hear a woman scream OMG LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT

A rooster and a cat are standing by a pool and the cat falls in. The rooster laughs! The moral is: Where you find a wet pussy, you'll find a happy Cock!

To impress a woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, protect her, support her.
How to impress a man: Show up naked with a beer.

I was driving past a field the other day and saw a scarecrow trying to have a wank! I thought to myself that f'ckers clutching at straws.
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1497 on: August 28, 2018, 07:05:31 PM »


Australian joke...
Five Aussie surgeons from big cities are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Brisbane, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Perth, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is co lour coded."

The third surgeon, from Adelaide , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Sydney chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Melbourne , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.’
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Roger

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1498 on: August 28, 2018, 07:46:24 PM »

Well done Jivvy.
That JF is a problem is he not ? ATB
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1499 on: August 29, 2018, 05:53:47 PM »


I've agreed to get my wife a vibrator for her birthday.

I must be going soft in my old age!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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