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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 30586 times)

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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1500 on: August 26, 2018, 04:42:25 PM »


Guy walks into convenience store and says: I need three packs of condoms please. Cashier: You want a bag with those? Guy: Nah, she ain't THAT ugly!

fun size
chocolate bars! what's that all about?. since when was anything 3inches, fun size?

Toy Story must have been written by a woman. Who else would name their toys Woody and Buzz!!

I've been sacked from my job as a bingo caller ... apparently, 'a meal for two with a hairy view' is not the way to call number 69!

Woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8 am. Well he'll just have to mow around me today, I ain't moving!

The next time a private number calls my house, I am answering the phone just like this, "Vasectomy Clinic" You flop em' we chop em' how may I help you??

If men believed in reincarnation they'd ask to come back as a spider, so they could hear a woman scream OMG LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT

A rooster and a cat are standing by a pool and the cat falls in. The rooster laughs! The moral is: Where you find a wet pussy, you'll find a happy Cock!

To impress a woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, protect her, support her.
How to impress a man: Show up naked with a beer.

I was driving past a field the other day and saw a scarecrow trying to have a wank! I thought to myself that f'ckers clutching at straws.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1501 on: August 28, 2018, 07:05:31 PM »


Australian joke...
Five Aussie surgeons from big cities are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Brisbane, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Perth, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is co lour coded."

The third surgeon, from Adelaide , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Sydney chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Melbourne , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.’
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

Roger

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1502 on: August 28, 2018, 07:46:24 PM »

Well done Jivvy.
That JF is a problem is he not ? ATB
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1503 on: August 29, 2018, 05:53:47 PM »


I've agreed to get my wife a vibrator for her birthday.

I must be going soft in my old age!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1504 on: August 30, 2018, 09:37:06 PM »


A local veterinarian was known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a woman, who was visiting, brought a dog to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"$150 dollars, ma'am," he answered.

"Now that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you people, you're always trying to overcharge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when there is no one here to overcharge?"

"Raise porcupines, ma'am."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1505 on: August 31, 2018, 03:36:28 PM »


Pinched from another forum

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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1506 on: September 01, 2018, 06:41:20 PM »


 "What would you like, sir?" asks the waiter.
"Well, I'm ever so slightly pressed for time, so I'll take the 'Gently grilled medallion of ground beef gratinée in a delicate mantle of finely seeded bread, served with crisply sautéed spears of pommes de terre and a rich blend of tomatoes marinated in select spices,' please."
"OK," says the waiter, who then shouts to the kitchen: "One cheeseburger 'n' chips wi' ketchup quick as ye f*ckin' can!"
...........................................

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthetic, He asked to speak to his son, 'Yes, Dad, what is it? ' ...'Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1507 on: September 03, 2018, 05:28:15 PM »


I came home to find the bedroom window smashed and my wife sitting on the bed sobbing.

"I'm so sorry" she said "I wanted to try that thing where you stick a ping pong ball in your fanny and then fire it out"

"Fuck me" I said looking at the glass everywhere "I didn't realise your pelvic muscles were that strong"

"Neither did I" she sobbed "and I promise I'll buy you a new bowling ball"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1508 on: September 06, 2018, 04:55:10 PM »


 The Mrs brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass."

I was on a train this morning, in the loo, having a shit, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1509 on: September 06, 2018, 09:19:28 PM »


Q: Where can single men over the age of 65 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction .( or Thailand)
............
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy . If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement .. When you're done, you will have a place to live .
................
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?

A: Yes . Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt . . .. "
...............................
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-65 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant .
...........................
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses .
.....................
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go bra less . It will usually pull them out . .
.....................
Q: Why should 65 plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car .
..........................
Q: Is it common for 65-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem ..
....................................
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon .
.....................
Q: Where should 65-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads .
........................................
Q: What is the most common remark made by 65-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
..........................
SMILE
You've still got your sense of humour!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1510 on: September 07, 2018, 06:50:25 PM »


A 54 year-old mathematician has a 54 year old wife.
One night. the wife recieves a note on her door from her husband. It says, My dear wife, As you know, you are 54 years old and can no longer satisfy me in bed. I hope you will understand that I will be spending the night with my 18 year-old assistant.
Later that night the mathematician came home to find a note on the door.
The note said, My dear husband, As you know, you are also 54 and cannot satisfy me in bed. Therefore tonight I will sleep with the 18 year-old pool boy.
As a mathematician, I also hope that you understand that 18 goes into 54 a hell of a lot more than 54 goes into 18, so good luck.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1511 on: September 08, 2018, 05:49:59 PM »


Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1512 on: September 09, 2018, 09:30:34 PM »


A minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded, “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures. I don't know what happened, I just couldn't stop!”
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1513 on: September 11, 2018, 09:41:18 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1514 on: September 12, 2018, 04:51:00 PM »


An airplane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator and stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the co-pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The co-pilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up.

The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1515 on: September 12, 2018, 09:46:28 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1516 on: September 15, 2018, 04:38:08 PM »


VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

6 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

7 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

8 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

9 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

10 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

11 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.

12 - Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and, to the select few women who don't own a gun.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1517 on: September 17, 2018, 09:38:06 AM »


The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said Texas.

The teacher said, "That is right, you get an 'A'. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?"

A little boy raised his hand and said Montana. The teacher said, "That's right, you get an 'A'. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, that's easy, "Washington D.C.!"

The teacher gave him an A+.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1518 on: September 19, 2018, 07:23:14 PM »


The Joy of Owning a Dick

I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and cae, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1519 on: September 20, 2018, 05:20:35 PM »


I had a vasectomy because I didnt want any kids.
But, when I got home, they were still there.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates
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