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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 33553 times)

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dam12641

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1520 on: September 25, 2018, 08:55:43 PM »

René Descartes always deserves a mention: "I drink, therefore I am."
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1521 on: September 26, 2018, 09:08:53 AM »

Dating a Thai girl is all fun and games, ...until she gets a boner.....
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1522 on: September 28, 2018, 11:30:03 AM »


There's been a fight in the biscuit tin.
A lad called Rocky hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribbon, and made his Breakaway in a Taxi.
Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hobnobbing with a Ginger Nut and an accomplice, only known to the police as Rich T. Unfortunately they don't have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammy Dodger might get away with it...
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1523 on: October 02, 2018, 05:54:13 PM »


Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona ( being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that,
"Yes, I did."
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1524 on: October 03, 2018, 09:49:47 PM »

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher but unfortunately she ended up pregnant!!.

.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1525 on: October 04, 2018, 08:48:52 PM »


Today I got the sh*t kicked out of me in the pub for playing 'Dancing Queen' on the jukebox.
Some of the regulars assumed I was a Tory supporter.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1526 on: October 05, 2018, 09:27:23 AM »


Soon To Be..........

One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, your fishing gear, the boat and all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car and your home brewing equipment."

Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife!"

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied, "I wasn't."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1527 on: October 05, 2018, 05:34:07 PM »


That dachshund of mine has been a little bugger today.
I'll get my own back though, I'm going to give him a Viagra half an hour before his walk.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1528 on: October 06, 2018, 06:54:56 PM »


A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1529 on: October 06, 2018, 07:04:22 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1530 on: October 07, 2018, 11:03:19 AM »


A police motorcycle officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.

The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying a word.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole."

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a barrister to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the barrister for the defence asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

The police officer replies: "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Barrister: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!”

How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1531 on: October 07, 2018, 05:29:12 PM »


Scottish guy goes to the bar after a days skiing in Canada.
Noticing a huge head with antlers on the wall he asks the barman what it is and is told it is a Moose.
Scottish guy replies "fuck me how big are the cats'
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1532 on: October 09, 2018, 09:20:55 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1533 on: October 12, 2018, 12:04:48 PM »


I went to the doctor.
He said, "What is that steering wheel sticking out of your flies?"
I said, "I don't know, But it's driving me nuts!"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1534 on: October 12, 2018, 07:36:07 PM »


Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen, she rushes over, and gives him the best blow job of his life. Afterwards he says,
"We haven't had sex for 6 months,and suddenly this...Why?..She says.
"I only washed the floor this morning, I'd rather clean my teeth, than get the f**ckin' mop out again!!"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1535 on: October 14, 2018, 07:18:49 PM »


If your wife has £20 and you have £15...your wife has £35.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1536 on: October 15, 2018, 11:35:39 PM »


The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit, and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds.

After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on. "Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.

A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1537 on: October 16, 2018, 09:14:49 AM »


In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time.
They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter.
When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven.
Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this.
The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready.
"Who was the first woman?" Peter asks.
"That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!"
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks.
"Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly.
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks.
"My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1538 on: October 18, 2018, 06:29:57 PM »


Someone asked an old man:
"Even after seventy years, you still call your wife darling, honey, love. What's the secret?"
Old man: "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."
...................
My Thai wife left me the day after I bought her a new necklace.
I was fuming, fifty quid that thing cost me.
The necklace wasn't cheap, either...
.....................
A man's life is like a lush, green meadow.
It's a beautiful thing until some cow comes along and shits all over it.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1539 on: October 21, 2018, 10:28:32 AM »


After a tiring day, an elderly man settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi, sweetheart. It's Julie. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting. It was with the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

The man sitting next to her, had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

"Julie, hang up that damn phone and come back to bed."

Julie doesn't use her phone in public any more. 😂😂😂
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates
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