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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 25775 times)

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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1540 on: October 15, 2018, 11:35:39 PM »


The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit, and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds.

After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on. "Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.

A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1541 on: October 16, 2018, 09:14:49 AM »


In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time.
They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter.
When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven.
Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this.
The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready.
"Who was the first woman?" Peter asks.
"That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!"
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks.
"Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly.
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks.
"My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1542 on: October 18, 2018, 06:29:57 PM »


Someone asked an old man:
"Even after seventy years, you still call your wife darling, honey, love. What's the secret?"
Old man: "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."
...................
My Thai wife left me the day after I bought her a new necklace.
I was fuming, fifty quid that thing cost me.
The necklace wasn't cheap, either...
.....................
A man's life is like a lush, green meadow.
It's a beautiful thing until some cow comes along and shits all over it.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1543 on: October 21, 2018, 10:28:32 AM »


After a tiring day, an elderly man settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi, sweetheart. It's Julie. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting. It was with the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

The man sitting next to her, had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

"Julie, hang up that damn phone and come back to bed."

Julie doesn't use her phone in public any more. 😂😂😂
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1544 on: October 24, 2018, 07:00:27 PM »


Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"
As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1545 on: October 24, 2018, 07:10:24 PM »


SOME FACTS OF LIFE YOU DIDN'T KNOW (I DIDN'T KNOW THEM)
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death! (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in a mans body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1546 on: October 26, 2018, 07:52:35 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

Roger

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1547 on: October 26, 2018, 10:17:27 PM »

Jivvy - brutal but funny. ATB
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Hector

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1548 on: October 29, 2018, 05:28:32 PM »


After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said to her, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but
I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl."
"Now... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a
large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa
bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great?  They really know how to solve an old guy's problems
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1549 on: October 29, 2018, 06:21:59 PM »


I got free entry into a gay club last night.
I just wish I didn't have to go in through the back door.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

Roger

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1550 on: October 30, 2018, 10:59:41 AM »

Jivvy - always enjoy the jokes and Hector - loved that one. ATB
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1551 on: October 31, 2018, 05:37:14 PM »


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe'en party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem...
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note..
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate"...
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint...
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit...
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part"...
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint...
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple"...
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1552 on: November 02, 2018, 09:05:17 AM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1553 on: November 06, 2018, 08:33:42 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1554 on: November 06, 2018, 08:34:35 PM »


If you want to take your wife out It is best to take her during the week ….
 Undertakers charge more at weekends
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1555 on: November 07, 2018, 03:18:01 PM »


A nurse walks into a bank.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,
"Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... Some asshole's got my pen.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1556 on: November 07, 2018, 03:32:55 PM »


A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1557 on: November 09, 2018, 07:42:09 AM »


A guy walks into a bar in GEORGIA and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says,"You ain't from 'round here are ya boy?

"No" replies the man, I?m from California.?

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in California?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says,"I mount animals.

"The bartender hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1558 on: November 09, 2018, 07:25:16 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1559 on: November 12, 2018, 05:25:39 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates
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