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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 32581 times)

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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1540 on: October 24, 2018, 07:00:27 PM »


Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"
As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1541 on: October 24, 2018, 07:10:24 PM »


SOME FACTS OF LIFE YOU DIDN'T KNOW (I DIDN'T KNOW THEM)
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death! (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in a mans body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1542 on: October 26, 2018, 07:52:35 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

Roger

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1543 on: October 26, 2018, 10:17:27 PM »

Jivvy - brutal but funny. ATB
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Hector

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1544 on: October 29, 2018, 05:28:32 PM »


After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said to her, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but
I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl."
"Now... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a
large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa
bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great?  They really know how to solve an old guy's problems
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1545 on: October 29, 2018, 06:21:59 PM »


I got free entry into a gay club last night.
I just wish I didn't have to go in through the back door.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

Roger

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1546 on: October 30, 2018, 10:59:41 AM »

Jivvy - always enjoy the jokes and Hector - loved that one. ATB
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1547 on: October 31, 2018, 05:37:14 PM »


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe'en party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem...
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note..
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate"...
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint...
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit...
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part"...
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint...
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple"...
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1548 on: November 02, 2018, 09:05:17 AM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1549 on: November 06, 2018, 08:33:42 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1550 on: November 06, 2018, 08:34:35 PM »


If you want to take your wife out It is best to take her during the week ….
 Undertakers charge more at weekends
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1551 on: November 07, 2018, 03:18:01 PM »


A nurse walks into a bank.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,
"Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... Some asshole's got my pen.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1552 on: November 07, 2018, 03:32:55 PM »


A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1553 on: November 09, 2018, 07:42:09 AM »


A guy walks into a bar in GEORGIA and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says,"You ain't from 'round here are ya boy?

"No" replies the man, I?m from California.?

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in California?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says,"I mount animals.

"The bartender hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1554 on: November 09, 2018, 07:25:16 PM »

 ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1555 on: November 12, 2018, 05:25:39 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1556 on: November 15, 2018, 05:40:26 PM »

 ;D stuffed
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1557 on: November 18, 2018, 06:20:29 AM »


I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1558 on: November 18, 2018, 06:25:38 AM »


A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over an discharged, shooting him in the genitals...
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor...
"Well, sir, I have some good news an some bad news...
The good news is that you are going to be OK...
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, an we were able to remove all of the buckshot"...
"What's the bad news"...? Asked the hunter...
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister"...
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied...
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon"...?
"Not exactly answered the doctor.........
"She's a flute player in the Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye"...
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1559 on: November 19, 2018, 09:24:16 PM »

An Irish ranger, stationed in America for training purposes, recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Michael
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you
Take care.
Mary
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Mary, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Mary, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care.
Michael
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates
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