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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 36436 times)

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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1560 on: November 20, 2018, 11:43:07 AM »

 ;D
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1561 on: November 20, 2018, 08:17:33 PM »


My wife wanted to spice things up in the bedroom.........so I dipped her vibrator in Tabasco sauce.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1562 on: November 24, 2018, 01:23:07 PM »

Before and after
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1563 on: November 26, 2018, 07:38:08 PM »

 ;D
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1564 on: November 28, 2018, 06:45:55 PM »


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1565 on: November 30, 2018, 09:46:30 PM »


A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Colleen has been very difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I know you warned me. I remember you told me that she was evil and would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. I should have listened to you. You want to speak with her? All right."

He looks up from the phone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1566 on: December 03, 2018, 04:39:41 PM »


I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he's asleep eight minutes after that.
This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home...
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1567 on: December 03, 2018, 04:41:53 PM »


Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1568 on: December 06, 2018, 07:47:54 PM »


when you’re over seventy..........who cares?

I was standing at the bar at the club one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kinda cute. You gotta phone number?”
I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”
She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.
I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”
Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’re over seventy .............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Lady Clerk: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said “Nah... She’s purty good lookin’..... When you’re over seventy .............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the club last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
“Really” she said, “Go on then... try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...When you’re over seventy .............. who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you’re over seventy .............who cares?
**********
I went to our club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.”
The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”
I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”
When you’re over seventy .............who cares?
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1569 on: December 10, 2018, 12:02:53 PM »


A man walked into a pub and ordered a double scotch and a thimble full of scotch.
He drank the double scotch and tipped the thimble full of scotch into his top shirt pocket... he ordered another and drank the scotch and tipped the next drink into his shirt pocket.. This went on all evening until he ordered another with a very drunken tone ...He. kicked the bar and He said to the landlord hey you bugger I want another double scotch and another thimble full of scotch.. The landlord said I will not serve you anymore , you have had enough.. What do you mean I have had enough? I will punch your f'ing head in if you do not serve me....and suddenly a mouse stuck his head out of the top pocket and said yeah and that goes for your frigging cat as well!!
3
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1570 on: December 17, 2018, 11:08:36 AM »


There were three young boys discussing Christmas..
The Protestant boy said we sing lots of carols and then get up in the morning and open the presents and I get loads of toys … brilliant.
The Catholic boy said we go to midnight mass and then the next day after dinner we open the presents and I get loads of toys as well,
The Jewish boy said well we go down to the toy factory, look at all the empty shelves, sing 2 verses of What a friend we have in Jesus and then jump into the Mercedes and bugger off to the South of France for 2 weeks
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1571 on: December 17, 2018, 06:24:37 PM »


I remember when I first started dating the missus, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana.
Now after twenty years of marriage, I only get aroused if she starts choking on it.
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1572 on: December 18, 2018, 09:36:01 AM »

 ;D
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1573 on: December 27, 2018, 10:45:09 AM »


The Irish diabetic

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1574 on: December 27, 2018, 12:17:43 PM »


Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.

Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom. “Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.

“It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!”

“Hey wait a second!" said Mark. “Aren’t I your best friend?”

“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!”
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1575 on: December 27, 2018, 02:38:30 PM »


Black guy comes home wearing a top hat 🎩 and tails swinging a brand new Silver topped cane.

His wife says, "Henry, why you dressed like dat?"

Henry says " Liza, I just been to the Doc and he says Iz impotent".

"If Iz impotent, Iz gonna dress impotent!"
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1576 on: December 27, 2018, 02:41:58 PM »

 ;D
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1577 on: January 01, 2019, 06:34:33 PM »


To all the people I gave a book to for Christmas, they're due back at the library on Monday.

You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their arse in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1578 on: January 04, 2019, 08:39:44 PM »

I am seventy-something years old and I have so many unanswered questions!!!! I still haven't found out who let the Dogs Out...where's the beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop......why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton... Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors... i still don't understand why there is Braille on drive up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ....and what would you do for a Klondike bar and you know as soon as you bite into it it falls apart...and Why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways? do you really think I am this witty?? ... I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's, baby momma's doctor who lived next door to an old class mate's mail man...Now it is your turn to take it from me...Peace!!
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1579 on: January 04, 2019, 08:41:35 PM »


Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? . . . . Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling... So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates
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