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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 30481 times)

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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1560 on: November 15, 2018, 05:40:26 PM »

 ;D stuffed
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1561 on: November 18, 2018, 06:20:29 AM »


I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1562 on: November 18, 2018, 06:25:38 AM »


A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over an discharged, shooting him in the genitals...
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor...
"Well, sir, I have some good news an some bad news...
The good news is that you are going to be OK...
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, an we were able to remove all of the buckshot"...
"What's the bad news"...? Asked the hunter...
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister"...
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied...
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon"...?
"Not exactly answered the doctor.........
"She's a flute player in the Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye"...
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1563 on: November 19, 2018, 09:24:16 PM »

An Irish ranger, stationed in America for training purposes, recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Michael
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you
Take care.
Mary
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Mary, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Mary, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care.
Michael
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1564 on: November 20, 2018, 11:43:07 AM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1565 on: November 20, 2018, 08:17:33 PM »


My wife wanted to spice things up in the bedroom.........so I dipped her vibrator in Tabasco sauce.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1566 on: November 24, 2018, 01:23:07 PM »

Before and after
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1567 on: November 26, 2018, 07:38:08 PM »

 ;D
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1568 on: November 28, 2018, 06:45:55 PM »


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1569 on: November 30, 2018, 09:46:30 PM »


A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Colleen has been very difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I know you warned me. I remember you told me that she was evil and would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. I should have listened to you. You want to speak with her? All right."

He looks up from the phone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1570 on: December 03, 2018, 04:39:41 PM »


I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he's asleep eight minutes after that.
This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home...
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1571 on: December 03, 2018, 04:41:53 PM »


Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1572 on: December 06, 2018, 07:47:54 PM »


when you’re over seventy..........who cares?

I was standing at the bar at the club one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kinda cute. You gotta phone number?”
I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”
She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.
I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”
Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’re over seventy .............who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Lady Clerk: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said “Nah... She’s purty good lookin’..... When you’re over seventy .............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the club last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
“Really” she said, “Go on then... try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...When you’re over seventy .............. who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you’re over seventy .............who cares?
**********
I went to our club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.”
The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”
I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”
When you’re over seventy .............who cares?
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates

jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1573 on: December 10, 2018, 12:02:53 PM »


A man walked into a pub and ordered a double scotch and a thimble full of scotch.
He drank the double scotch and tipped the thimble full of scotch into his top shirt pocket... he ordered another and drank the scotch and tipped the next drink into his shirt pocket.. This went on all evening until he ordered another with a very drunken tone ...He. kicked the bar and He said to the landlord hey you bugger I want another double scotch and another thimble full of scotch.. The landlord said I will not serve you anymore , you have had enough.. What do you mean I have had enough? I will punch your f'ing head in if you do not serve me....and suddenly a mouse stuck his head out of the top pocket and said yeah and that goes for your frigging cat as well!!
3
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
- Socrates
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