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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 36364 times)

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Alfie

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1620 on: March 06, 2019, 07:16:12 PM »

It's interesting because now I can see the pictures in this thread when I am logged out (I couldn't yesterday) but not when I'm logged in, but I still can't see other picturesin other threads when logged in or out - in the Post a photo thread for example.
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1621 on: March 07, 2019, 10:11:01 AM »

 ;D
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1622 on: March 07, 2019, 10:28:56 AM »

 :)
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1623 on: March 10, 2019, 05:47:07 PM »


A man walks into a quiet country pub, in the middle of a slow afternoon.

'What'll it be?' asks the barman.

'Just an orange juice', says the newcomer, 'I'm driving a coach party of blind people on an outing. By the way would it be OK if they had a game of football on your village green?'

'Fine by me', said the barman. 'But I am curious, tell me, how can blind people play soccer?'

'Oh, it's simple', says the coach driver, 'they use a special ball with little bells sewn into it, they can't see the ball, but they hear it'

'How ingenious', says the barman, and the driver settles down to his drink. However about ten minutes later a villager enters the pub in a state of agitation.

'Phone for an ambulance - quick' he insists.

'What is it?' asks the barman.

'It's those blind footballers - they're kicking the Morris dancing team to death!'
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1624 on: March 11, 2019, 08:28:04 PM »


A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied. "Please tell him my Mother didn't come after all."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1625 on: March 11, 2019, 09:58:45 PM »


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a big hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a passionate kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ye ever been f**ked laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No". She said, "Aye, well ye will be when the tide comes in.
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1626 on: March 13, 2019, 08:36:26 PM »

 ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1627 on: March 15, 2019, 11:17:02 AM »

A man and his wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. A dreamed a was at a dick auction. Long dicks were going for $100 and thick ones were going for $300."
The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free."
The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy pussies for $500 and tight ones for $1,000."
"How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That's where they were holding the auction."
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1628 on: March 16, 2019, 05:37:46 PM »


02080490090 have just cold called me. They wanted to talk to me about my recent car accident, was I hurt they asked ?
Yes I said. I got a lot of sympathy and then I was passed to another handler. They took down all my details etc, (all false) and then asked about the accident.
I told them how my car was crushed between 2 Tesco lorries, how the fire fighters cut me out and the paramedics kept me alive while all this was going on. The 'blue light' special to Guys hospital in London as I was too injured to fly.
They asked how serious my injuries were, all the while they were hearing the cash registers ringing. I then gravely told them how I lost my legs. Kerching! Tescos were going to get screwed.
I was then asked if there were any complications. I explained I died a few days later and my funeral is next Thursday.
Apparently, I'm a time wasting asshole...........

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1629 on: March 17, 2019, 03:32:45 PM »

 :)
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1630 on: March 18, 2019, 08:15:14 PM »

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“I thought I heard an intruder. 
I came down to scare him.”

Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1631 on: March 22, 2019, 11:44:50 AM »


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1632 on: March 22, 2019, 03:09:20 PM »

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it.......
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1633 on: March 22, 2019, 05:51:15 PM »


Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?
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One should never do wrong in return, nor mistreat any man, no matter how one has been mistreated by him.”
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