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Author Topic: Joke of The Day  (Read 39424 times)

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Alfie

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1620 on: March 06, 2019, 06:16:12 PM »

It's interesting because now I can see the pictures in this thread when I am logged out (I couldn't yesterday) but not when I'm logged in, but I still can't see other picturesin other threads when logged in or out - in the Post a photo thread for example.
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1621 on: March 07, 2019, 09:11:01 AM »

 ;D
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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1622 on: March 07, 2019, 09:28:56 AM »

 :)
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1623 on: March 10, 2019, 04:47:07 PM »


A man walks into a quiet country pub, in the middle of a slow afternoon.

'What'll it be?' asks the barman.

'Just an orange juice', says the newcomer, 'I'm driving a coach party of blind people on an outing. By the way would it be OK if they had a game of football on your village green?'

'Fine by me', said the barman. 'But I am curious, tell me, how can blind people play soccer?'

'Oh, it's simple', says the coach driver, 'they use a special ball with little bells sewn into it, they can't see the ball, but they hear it'

'How ingenious', says the barman, and the driver settles down to his drink. However about ten minutes later a villager enters the pub in a state of agitation.

'Phone for an ambulance - quick' he insists.

'What is it?' asks the barman.

'It's those blind footballers - they're kicking the Morris dancing team to death!'
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1624 on: March 11, 2019, 07:28:04 PM »


A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied. "Please tell him my Mother didn't come after all."
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1625 on: March 11, 2019, 08:58:45 PM »


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a big hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a passionate kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ye ever been f**ked laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No". She said, "Aye, well ye will be when the tide comes in.
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1626 on: March 13, 2019, 07:36:26 PM »

 ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1627 on: March 15, 2019, 10:17:02 AM »

A man and his wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. A dreamed a was at a dick auction. Long dicks were going for $100 and thick ones were going for $300."
The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free."
The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy pussies for $500 and tight ones for $1,000."
"How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That's where they were holding the auction."
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1628 on: March 16, 2019, 04:37:46 PM »


02080490090 have just cold called me. They wanted to talk to me about my recent car accident, was I hurt they asked ?
Yes I said. I got a lot of sympathy and then I was passed to another handler. They took down all my details etc, (all false) and then asked about the accident.
I told them how my car was crushed between 2 Tesco lorries, how the fire fighters cut me out and the paramedics kept me alive while all this was going on. The 'blue light' special to Guys hospital in London as I was too injured to fly.
They asked how serious my injuries were, all the while they were hearing the cash registers ringing. I then gravely told them how I lost my legs. Kerching! Tescos were going to get screwed.
I was then asked if there were any complications. I explained I died a few days later and my funeral is next Thursday.
Apparently, I'm a time wasting asshole...........

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1629 on: March 17, 2019, 02:32:45 PM »

 :)
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1630 on: March 18, 2019, 07:15:14 PM »

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“I thought I heard an intruder. 
I came down to scare him.”

Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1631 on: March 22, 2019, 10:44:50 AM »


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1632 on: March 22, 2019, 02:09:20 PM »

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

..I just lost it.......
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1633 on: March 22, 2019, 04:51:15 PM »


Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1634 on: March 29, 2019, 07:28:48 PM »


Fred & Ethyl. Fred moves into a retirement home and spots Ethyl and asks if he can have lunch with her. She says she would enjoy the the company. So he then asks if he could stop by her room this afternoon and again she agrees. He shows up with a 4 OZ. bottle of champagne & 2 little glasses and they have some bubbly. He then says he misses the feminine touch and could they disrobe and slide between the sheets and hold one another. Ethyl agrees again and when they are comfortable he asks if she would hold his Johnson and being 80+ years old he said nothing would happen. She agrees again and they do this routine a couple times a week until one day Fred doesn't show up.
Well maybe he having a bad day Ethyl concludes. Next day,same thing, no Fred. So she grabs her walker and heads down the hall looking for him. She spies him exiting Gertrude's room and questions him right there.
Fred, what are you doing? We were getting along so well, what's she got that I haven't got?
Fred answers, "Parkinson's!"
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1635 on: April 01, 2019, 09:09:57 PM »


A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.
Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says...
"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1636 on: April 05, 2019, 08:04:19 PM »


What a wonderful feeling it is waking up next to a beautiful woman.
Oh well, I suppose I'd better go home now.

Asked my mum what she’d like for her birthday.
“I wanna Dyson.” She said excitedly.
So that night I smothered her face with a pillow.

Me and my mate where having a few drinks last night telling each other our best chat up lines.
Some of his were so good, I ended up back at his place.

For me, life is always confusing.
Like if a lesbian couple live together, who makes the sandwiches?...

I bought some lion repellent off the internet the other day.
Seems to be working so far...

If I had to describe my mathematical ability in just one word, it would be "f*cking awful."

I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?...

It's been a great relief, my incontinent granddad developing Alzheimer's.
Some days he forgets to shit himself.

After many years of saving, I can finally get myself a Lamborghini I've always wanted.
Now just a few more years and I'll be able to put fuel in it.

I just rammed into the back of some prick on the motorway.......his fault for not having a 'Drive carefully - baby on board' sign.

I just fell down the stairs with a guitar in my hand and accidentally wrote an Ed Sheeran song.

'Up to 10,000 homes in Scotland without power tonight'
Haha that would never happen in Eng

Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of whelmed?

You know an Indian restaurant serves very hot curries when the dessert menu is on the back of the toilet door.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Unless you are allergic to apples.

I knocked on the door of a psychic.
"Who is it?," she shouted.
"You tell me," I yelled back.

I've just given some false information to a market researcher. When she asked how often I do internet banking, I answered 3-4 times a day.
It wasn't until I saw the Halifax logo on her top that I realised I had misheard the question.

I was overjoyed when a letter from my Psychiatrist told me I no longer needed treatment.
"Thanks!" I said.
"No problem", it replied...

How many Lenny Henrys does it take to make me laugh?
One, but only if he's on fire.

Our Great Dane has been causing quite a smell around the house.
Whenever he barks I shit myself.

The majority of 15 year-olds in Liverpool are decent, law abiding citizens.
It's their kids who cause all the trouble.

My wife loves to eat melted chocolate off my penis.
But, in all fairness, it doesn't even have to be on my penis...
Or melted.

The wife put my glasses on earlier and asked, "Do these suit me?"
"How the hell would I know?" I replied.

My girlfriend thinks I'm incapable of being faithful.
My wife on the other hand...
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1637 on: April 07, 2019, 08:49:49 AM »


nicked but funny...
I think that this sums it up perfectly.

Theresa May went to Dublin and met with Leo Varadkar
"Leo, “ she asked him. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined with this Brexit thing. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well," replied Leo, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
May frowned. "But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy” Leo replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”.
He pushed a button on his intercom. “Please send Simon Coveney in here."
Simon walked into the room. “You called for me, Leo?"
"Answer me this, if you would, Simon. “ Leo said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for even a second, Simon answered, “That would be me."
"Yes! Very good,” said Leo.
May went back home, returned to the House of Commons and the very next day called for Michael Gove to come and see her.
Gove duly trotted in to her office. “Michael, answer this for me,’ said May. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”
"I'm not sure," said Gove. “Let me get back to you on that one.
Gove went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.
The next night, as it happened, the silent assassin ran in to Boris Johnson in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his boss, he approached him – much to his surprise.
“Boris, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me
“Sure, Boris said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”
“Thanks, said the silent assassin,” It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Boris answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"
Gove smiled, “Thanks!"
Gove then went back to speak with May. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Boris Jonson.”
May got up, stomped over to Gove, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It’s Simon Coveney!"
... AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE HOUSE OF COMMONS ! .
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Roger

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Re: Joke of The Day 10 /10 !
« Reply #1638 on: April 07, 2019, 02:43:03 PM »

Very good Jivvy  ;D
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jivvy

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Re: Joke of The Day
« Reply #1639 on: April 11, 2019, 10:07:08 PM »

 ;D
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